{"id":661876,"date":"2026-05-24T06:58:21","date_gmt":"2026-05-24T06:58:21","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/661876\/"},"modified":"2026-05-24T06:58:21","modified_gmt":"2026-05-24T06:58:21","slug":"my-aunt-offered-to-give-me-money-to-buy-a-house-the-rest-of-my-family-is-going-to-be-so-mad","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/661876\/","title":{"rendered":"My aunt offered to give me money to buy a house. The rest of my family is going to be so mad."},"content":{"rendered":"

Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years\u2014so we\u2019re diving into the Pay Dirt archives to share classic letters with our readers.\u00a0Submit your own questions about money here<\/a>. (It\u2019s anonymous!)\u00a0<\/p>\n

Dear Pay Dirt,<\/p>\n

My aunt recently offered to give me a significant amount of money so I could afford a place of my own. I work in a non-profit and could never afford to save up for it on my own between my college loans and sky-high rent. But I\u2019m not sure I should accept it.<\/p>\n

The problem is that it will be obvious to everyone else in the family that I got the largesse from somewhere.<\/p>\n

I am afraid especially of an explosion from my brother and his wife. My sister-in-law has a prickly personality and is a serious introvert. After a few hours of socializing, she gets very irritated and snappy. My aunt retired to the same city as my brother and sister-in-law and made a strong attempt to stay in touch with them. She invited them out, invited them over, and often invited herself to family holidays.<\/p>\n

I wasn\u2019t there, but I heard about it from all sides. It was like my aunt couldn\u2019t win. For example, she offered to help cook and clean for Thanksgiving, and my sister-in-law took it as an insult to her hosting ability. For Christmas, my aunt didn\u2019t offer and that upset my sister-in-law, too. I have visited my aunt more in one year than my brother and his wife have in six. My aunt stopped sending gifts to their kids and just cards. My sister-in-law complained bitterly about that. I had to leave the room at the time before I said something bad. I mean, you make it clear you disdain and dislike this person but expect gifts from her? Really?<\/p>\n

My sister-in-law has been let go from her last three jobs and had to stop their remodel midway because they couldn\u2019t afford it. There was already a nasty incident where they cut off contact with my mom because she offered to take the oldest two kids on a Disney cruise\u2014meanwhile, they wanted money for their own vacation. I really want to accept this gift but am worried about the consequences if it comes out. What do I do?<\/p>\n

\u2014Big Gift<\/p>\n

Dear Big Gift,<\/p>\n

Accept the gift and let them be mad about it. Your brother and sister-in-law can deal with their big feelings however they see fit\u2014they\u2019re adults and that\u2019s their choice. You can\u2019t change how they respond to the situation, but you shouldn\u2019t have to put yourself aside to accommodate their bad behavior. There might be consequences, and you can choose how you react in response, but ultimately, their behavior is on them.<\/p>\n

That said, you\u2019ve been biting your tongue about the issue, so if they do have a big reaction to the gift, it could be an opportunity to get some of those feelings off your chest. You can do this without turning it into a big, nasty fight. When the issue comes up and they inevitably get upset about it, share your side of the story. Tell them the truth, but focus on your aunt and her feelings rather than their wrongdoing. Something like, \u201cAunt Jane loves you so much and she\u2019s been hurt by some of the choices you\u2019ve made, and I can understand why.\u201d They\u2019ll almost certainly get defensive, but you don\u2019t owe them a debate. You don\u2019t need to get into a long drawn-out explanation or analysis of why you feel this way. In fact, that could make things worse. Keep it simple: Let them say their piece, then tell them your take on the matter.<\/p>\n

Before this conversation happens, it might help to make a note of what exactly you want to get off your chest and what boundaries you want to set during the conversation. Know your limits, and when the topic comes up, establish those boundaries to try to keep the discussion civil.<\/p>\n

\u2014Kristin Wong<\/p>\n

From: My Mom Left Very Specific Wishes For My Inheritance. I Think I Have To Go Against Them<\/a>. (Aug. 28th, 2024).<\/p>\n

\n Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don\u2018t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication.\n <\/p>\n

Dear Pay Dirt,<\/p>\n

Is there etiquette (or ethics) around what survivors do with memorial money donated at a funeral? I always thought a memorial donation was meant to be given to a charity of the family\u2019s choice in honor of the deceased. A close friend of mine just lost his elderly father, and because the family hadn\u2019t listed any preferred charities in the obituary, I put a hefty cash donation with the card at the funeral, assuming it would go to a charity of their choice.<\/p>\n

Later, my friend mentioned that he and his siblings were going to put any memorial cash toward funeral expenses. I know that funerals are expensive, but my friend is doing well financially, and his brother married into generational wealth of an amount that is mind-boggling. It seems petty and cheap, and perhaps dishonest, of them to put memorials toward expenses. If I had known this, I would have donated directly to a charity, but it\u2019s too late for that now. If they were struggling financially, I wouldn\u2019t mind so much, but it seems inappropriate at best, and downright sleazy at worst. Or maybe everyone does this and I have been deluded about the purpose of memorial donations. I\u2019m also not sure whether to bring it up with my friend or let it go. Your thoughts?<\/p>\n

\u2014Memorial Muddle<\/p>\n

Dear Memorial Muddle,<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve opened a lot of memorial and condolence cards in my decades. None had a wad of cash enclosed. Once in a while, someone passed along a check to help the family cover expenses. Still, I\u2019m baffled as to why you think there\u2019s something wrong with the family using it to defray costs rather than donate it to a charitable organization.<\/p>\n

Funerals can be extremely expensive. Cremation, burial plots, mausoleums, monuments, and headstones each cost several thousand dollars. Then there\u2019s food, clergy, and actually opening the grave. When all\u2019s said and done, you could easily spend $15,000 to $40,000, or more. Most people don\u2019t have that amount sitting around in cash. And, it can take months, if not years, for the heirs to settle an estate and access their inheritance, if there even is any to be had.<\/p>\n

Historically, funerals were a time for a community to come together and mourn their collective loss. As for using your donation to help defray costs, I wonder if your friend\u2019s wealth is perhaps not as great as you think, or that he and his bride haven\u2019t come into the big bucks yet. Or, maybe the wealthy in-laws have made other plans for their cash. Beyond counting other people\u2019s money, which strikes me as particularly unseemly during times of sadness or stress, perhaps the family already made a significant donation to a worthy cause in memory of the deceased.<\/p>\n

If this really gnaws at you, next time choose a worthy charity and make your own contribution in the deceased\u2019s name.<\/p>\n

\u2014Ilyce Glink<\/p>\n

From: I Gave My Friend Money At His Father\u2019s Funeral. I Can\u2019t Believe What He Spent It On<\/a>. (Sept. 3rd, 2024).<\/p>\n

Dear Pay Dirt,<\/p>\n

My father-in-law is a very old-fashioned man. He lost his only son when he was in high school. It is a family tradition to name sons after their fathers.<\/p>\n

So he is \u201cJohn VI.\u201d He offered to pay for college for any grandson named after him. My wife and I are gay and expecting our first son via surrogate. My sisters-in-law all have boys. None of them have taken their father up on the offer. I think my wife and I should take him up on the offer. She is worried about causing bad blood with her sisters. Thoughts?<\/p>\n

\u2014Name<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

\n Ilyce Glink
\n I Had Plans for a Peaceful Retirement. Now My Partner Has Shattered All of It By Coming Clean.
\n Read More\n <\/p>\n

<\/a><\/p>\n

Dear Name,\u00a0<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

My New Sister-in-Law Ruined a Family. It\u2019s Time She Grows Up and Takes Some Responsibility.
\n <\/a><\/p>\n


\n This Content is Available for Slate Plus members only<\/p>\n

My 6-Year-Old Made a Vile Comment to His Teacher. You Won\u2019t Guess How Bad It Is.
\n <\/a><\/p>\n

Giving your son his grandfather\u2019s name seems pretty straightforward and sweet. But there must be a reason your wife is worried about it causing bad blood. Does she think it might bring up some issues of favoritism among your sisters? Whatever the reason, I wonder if your wife is willing to have a conversation with her sisters about this before you proceed. She doesn\u2019t need to ask them for permission to name your child, but she can let them know that the two of you are considering it. What do they think about it (and why didn\u2019t they choose to cash in themselves)? Giving them the chance to weigh in on the matter might help soften any hard feelings.<\/p>\n

There\u2019s another potential issue to consider, though. Do you expect your father-in-law to hold up his end of the bargain? If you\u2019re only taking his name for the free tuition\u2014and not the significance of it\u2014consider the possibility that your father-in-law could always change his mind. He might not have the funds for it after all; he might ultimately think it\u2019s unfair to the other grandkids. How would you and your wife feel if that were to happen? It\u2019s something to think about. College is wildly expensive these days, so the free tuition is a big bonus. But I would also make sure you\u2019re attached to the name and the meaning that comes with it.<\/p>\n

\u2014K.W.<\/p>\n

From: My Father-In-Law Has Offered The Entire Family A \u201cBribe.\u201d We Might Be The First To Take It<\/a>. (Aug. 21st, 2024).<\/p>\n

More Money Advice From Slate<\/p>\n

I mistakenly took in my 16-year-old niece \u201cBethany\u201d and 14-year-old niece \u201cLily\u201d two years ago. My sister and her husband were moving overseas and their two oldest didn\u2019t want to leave their school or friends. Bethany\u2019s response to anything she doesn\u2019t like is, \u201cYou\u2019re not the boss of me.\u201d She\u2019d rather socialize than study and it is a minor miracle she will be graduating in May. Lily has a bad habit of goading her sister and I have to keep them separated.<\/a><\/p>\n

Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays.\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years\u2014so we\u2019re diving into the Pay Dirt archives to…\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":661877,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[39],"tags":[3005,28,3006,147,530,6843],"class_list":["post-661876","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","category-personal-finance","tag-advice","tag-business","tag-family","tag-personal-finance","tag-personalfinance","tag-slate-plus"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/661876","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=661876"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/661876\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/661877"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=661876"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=661876"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=661876"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}