{"id":668549,"date":"2026-05-27T18:31:12","date_gmt":"2026-05-27T18:31:12","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/668549\/"},"modified":"2026-05-27T18:31:12","modified_gmt":"2026-05-27T18:31:12","slug":"sex-advice-i-havent-told-my-wife-about-why-my-last-marriage-ended-it-feels-like-im-lying-to-her","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/668549\/","title":{"rendered":"Sex advice: I haven’t told my wife about why my last marriage ended. It feels like I’m lying to her."},"content":{"rendered":"

How to Do It is Slate\u2019s sex advice column.\u00a0Have a question?\u00a0Send it to Stoya and Rich here.<\/a>\u00a0It\u2019s anonymous!<\/p>\n

Dear How to Do It,<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve been married to my second wife, \u201cJane,\u201d for over a decade now, and our relationship is absolutely rock-solid. We tell each other virtually everything and anything\u2014except for past relationships. We\u2019ve mutually agreed that we don\u2019t want or need details.<\/p>\n

My problem is that I think there may be a detail from my first marriage that Jane ought to know. My first wife and I opened our marriage when it became clear our sex drives were substantially incompatible. It didn\u2019t save the marriage. It was a Hail Mary that didn\u2019t work out. Jane and I are very well-aligned on our relationship\u2014it\u2019s monogamous. We\u2019ve talked in the past about folks who have other forms of relationships, and we\u2019re just not interested in that. Even considering all of that, it feels dishonest to me that I haven\u2019t divulged this particular detail to her. Should I?<\/p>\n

\u2014Once Open Now Very Closed<\/p>\n

Dear Once Open,<\/p>\n

When you and Jane agreed to leave out the particulars of past relationships and decided neither of you wanted or needed details, was there any discussion of wanting or needing to avoid hearing details? If Jane has expressed a desire to be spared specifics about your previous relationships, or you\u2019re unsure what her position is, that\u2019s something to factor into your decision.<\/p>\n

The other significant component to think through here is why, within the guidelines around communication that you and your spouse have negotiated, withholding this information feels dishonest to you. (Nice alliteration there, by the way.) Understanding where your emotions are coming from can likely help you get a better sense of what you want or need to share with her, thus helping you focus on exactly what you would disclose and what you could omit without continuing to feel like you\u2019re hiding something. It can probably also add nuance to your question of whether you should disclose at all, when you weigh it against what you understand or suspect about how actively against hearing these things Jane is (or is not).<\/p>\n

If you know that Jane simply sees details of past relationships as irrelevant, and you think the open stage of your first marriage is relevant, divulge. If she\u2019s let you know that she specifically does not want to hear about these things, and you feel that her distaste for these details outweighs the sense of secrecy that\u2019s been bothering you, don\u2019t share. Many possibilities exist between those two extremes. So take your time, think it through, and I\u2019m confident you\u2019ll come to a conclusion you\u2019re comfortable with.<\/p>\n

\n Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don\u2018t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication.\n <\/p>\n

Dear How to Do It,<\/p>\n

After years of prioritizing kids and careers, my wife of 20-plus years and I want to turn up creativity and playfulness in the bedroom. I\u2019ve learned about and brought up cervical orgasms, and we think she might have experienced some in the distant past. We both want to pursue those again and have some questions for you.<\/p>\n

She doesn\u2019t orgasm with penetration alone, so I touch her clitoris (she doesn\u2019t touch herself or masturbate, so a toy and self-exploration are not options). To go for a cervical O, should we skip the clitoral stimulation, or at least tone it down, so that she can focus on the deeper sensations? Should we give her some other orgasms first (clitoral, G-spot), and then go for the cervical O afterwards? What positions would you recommend? Should I be thrusting or staying in and rocking? How does the time of the month matter?<\/p>\n

I have also learned that many women store emotions in the cervix that can be released during orgasm. Is that true? (She\u2019s already highly sensitive, so I\u2019m curious about what gets released!)<\/p>\n

\u2014Curious in Des Moines<\/p>\n

Dear Curious,<\/p>\n

Every single one of your questions is wonderful, and each area of inquiry is so incredibly varied and personal that the two of you will have to find those answers out for yourselves. All I can offer is some general food for thought.<\/p>\n

Some women find that clitoral stimulation of some kind is necessary to orgasm, others find that having a clitoral orgasm before focusing on any deeper stimulation helps prime them, and still more can\u2019t have other types of orgasms after they\u2019ve had a clitoral one. What \u201ccervical orgasm\u201d means, and how people arrive at one, can range from fairly blunt pounding on the cervix itself to a more pressure-focused stimulation of what\u2019s known as the A-spot, <\/a>which is the apex of where the cervix attaches to the vaginal wall, toward the front of the body. I\u2019ve also heard of women who prefer a similar spot on the back of the vagina, toward the tailbone. Crucially, each of these spots tends to be extremely enjoyable or an absolute no-go. So proceed carefully. For positions and type of motion, consider what best reaches the area of, or around, the cervix that you\u2019re aiming for at that moment. Time of the month usually matters, but the ways that it does are difficult to predict because, again, bodies are so fantastically different.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

\n Rich Juzwiak
\n Five Minutes Into Sex, Something Awful Happens to My Wife. I\u2019m Sick of It\u2014but She Won\u2019t See a Doctor.
\n Read More\n <\/p>\n

<\/a><\/p>\n

As for the idea of women storing emotions in their cervix, which can be released through orgasm, it\u2019s certainly a possibility. Bessel van der Kolk<\/a> made a whole career out of the idea that we store emotions from past experiences in our bodies, which is more nuanced than the oft-quoted title, The Body Keeps the Score. All sorts of practices, from massage, through Reiki, to tantric sex have strains that incorporate similar beliefs. Then there\u2019s the observable fact that orgasm is an intense physical experience, and the robust science indicating that orgasm involves the release of several chemicals that can affect our emotions. I\u2019d be cautious of getting overly invested in emotional release happening at all, and of it having any particular meaning, but it does seem like you\u2019re coming from a place of simple curiosity. Use that curiosity to experiment, and make sure you\u2019re both enjoying the pursuit along the way.<\/p>\n

Have Your Own Story to Share With How to Do It?<\/p>\n

Readers often have great suggestions for our letter writers, occasionally disagree with a point our How to Do It writers make, or simply want to provide some additional advice. Each month, Jessica and Rich will be replying to some of these comments and suggestions from readers, which will be featured on the site for\u00a0Slate Plus<\/a>\u00a0members.\u00a0Write to us!<\/a><\/p>\n

Dear How to Do It,\u00a0<\/p>\n

I haven\u2019t been interested in sex for the past three months. Within that time, my husband has spent nearly every spare moment viewing porn online. He claims he can stop any time. When I challenged him to go the entire weekend without looking at an adult site, he lasted exactly two hours. I am now seriously concerned about us getting back to a normal sex life. Should I insist he get some therapy?<\/p>\n

\u2014Worried Wife<\/p>\n

Dear Worried Wife,<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

My Husband Yelled at Me for My Very Reasonable Mother\u2019s Day Request. I\u2019m Crushed.
\n <\/a><\/p>\n


\n This Content is Available for Slate Plus members only<\/p>\n

My Boyfriend and I Are Deeply in Love. But There\u2019s a Big Part of His Life He\u2019s Keeping From Me.
\n <\/a><\/p>\n

Your concerns about how this very intense habit your husband has developed might affect your sex life together are valid, though it\u2019s not a certain outcome. More concerning to me, because of his apparent inability to go more than two hours without looking at explicit media, are the implications for his general mental health and well-being. I don\u2019t believe in the concept of sex addiction as a one-for-one analogue of, say, alcohol or opioid addiction. My opinion is informed by those of respected sex therapists such as Dr. Marty Klein<\/a> and what I\u2019ve seen in people first-hand. There\u2019s a big, juicy \u201cbut\u201d coming, which is that destructive sexual behaviors that people struggle to control absolutely do exist. They\u2019re usually caused by immense shame, or by other mental health issues or neurological disorders that affect impulse control, decision making, or are fueled by compulsions. Speculation about what exactly is at play is best left to a medical professional who can take a full history and run various diagnostic tests, starting with either a psychologist or a primary care physician. This is critical if your husband\u2019s inability to control his behavior is a new development.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s also possible that moving from a potentially playful challenge to stay away from porn sites for two days, to a statement that you think he should be evaluated by a doctor, could make the seriousness of the situation apparent to your husband and inspire him to control his actions. If he isn\u2019t able to do so, you\u2019re looking at a real problem.<\/p>\n

\u2014Jessica<\/p>\n

More Advice From Slate<\/p>\n

I\u2019m a 19-year-old male in college, and dating a girl from my campus of the same age, \u201cRebecca.\u201d The other day, at a gathering of some of her friends, about 10 seconds after I walked in the door, one of her \u201cbesties\u201d slapped me across the face before I even had a chance to speak. I was more surprised than hurt and asked what that was all about, and she went on a rant\u2026<\/a><\/p>\n

Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays.\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"How to Do It is Slate\u2019s sex advice column.\u00a0Have a question?\u00a0Send it to Stoya and Rich here.\u00a0It\u2019s anonymous!…\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":668550,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[34],"tags":[3005,97,14110,6843],"class_list":["post-668549","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","category-health","tag-advice","tag-health","tag-sex","tag-slate-plus"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/668549","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=668549"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/668549\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/668550"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=668549"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=668549"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=668549"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}