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\n Photo-Illustration: Joe McKendry; Photo: Michael Buckner\/Variety via Getty Images\n <\/p>\n
The Maria Bamford Questionnaire is a series of 25 questions designed by the beloved comedian<\/a> to unearth surprising truths about its respondents. In this edition, you\u2019ll learn about Jake Johnson, the actor and filmmaker best known for playing Nick Miller in the beloved Fox sitcom New Girl from 2011 to 2018. He can currently be seen in The Dink, out July 24 on Apple TV.<\/p>\n I really try to not eat before bed as I age because I am, for the first time in my life, getting concerned about health. There\u2019s an age I\u2019m trying to get to where it\u2019s a little less cute to be snacking all the time. I associate snacking with kids. I don\u2019t want to be 58 and be like, \u201cI got my hand caught in the cookie jar again!,\u201d so I\u2019m trying not to eat after around 6 or 6:30 p.m, or as soon as dinner\u2019s over.<\/p>\n But what would I like to eat before bed? Sandwiches and spaghetti. What would I like to drink? Anything in front of me. I used to have a saying with Max Greenfield at New Girl: \u201cIf it\u2019s not nailed down, I\u2019ll eat it.\u201d<\/p>\n I do make up my own. I was not raised with any sort of religion, but I was raised with the idea of spirituality and that it ain\u2019t random that we\u2019re here. So I would say my religion is totally made up, and it\u2019s pretty great. It\u2019s wildly forgiving. We\u2019re all here together, there is a connection that goes through all of us, and while we\u2019re on this rock, we should do as much good as we can and have as much fun as we can. There\u2019s a tally of your actions, and karma matters, and the energy of the universe \u2014 or whatever term you want to use for it \u2014 pays attention and will give to you if you\u2019re doing good on behalf of the energy of the universe. And if you\u2019re not, that tidal wave\u2019s gonna knock you on your ass, boy.<\/p>\n Chicken sausages, but with the outside casing being too small for the amount of meat on the inside. But really good quality. You\u2019ll be like, \u201cThat tastes good. There\u2019s just too much meat for that casing!\u201d I\u2019m not positive it\u2019s gonna sell. It\u2019s the type of thing that, whenever anybody cooks it, they\u2019ll go like, \u201cAh, it popped out! It\u2019s not even a hot dog anymore. It\u2019s just kind of mush.\u201d But then I\u2019ll go, \u201cSo what, man? Eat it that way. Just put it in the goddamn bun.\u201d And that\u2019s the end of the commercial.<\/p>\n I dropped out of high school when I was 15 and then went back, so it took me five years to get through it. So my long-term fear is that I haven\u2019t got the credits to quite graduate, I have to go back at my age now, I\u2019m walking through those hallways, and I\u2019m like, Oh my God, I got to get to history class. It\u2019s a nightmare, and I wake up feeling anxious.<\/p>\n The other one I have is that I\u2019m in a play, and it\u2019s very real, and I don\u2019t remember my lines. I keep asking for the sides, but I can\u2019t find the person who\u2019s supposed to give me the sides. My part in the play is coming up sooner and sooner, and I have this realization of, I\u2019m never getting those fucking sides. <\/p>\n I moved my mother from Chicago to Los Angeles. She\u2019s an OG of mine. I like to say that she was the first place I ever lived. She\u2019s a hermit and she\u2019s not a big socializer, so before I got her here, she wouldn\u2019t answer calls a lot. She wasn\u2019t that interested in connecting with old Jakey J. So it\u2019s nice to have Eve back in my life. She\u2019s been a lot of fun.<\/p>\n But she hates L.A., and she thinks the house I put her in is haunted. She refers to the house as \u201cthe bitch,\u201d and she\u2019ll say, \u201cThe bitch isn\u2019t gonna beat me!\u201d Or she\u2019ll say things like, \u201cI got to learn to walk in this city,\u201d and I\u2019ll go, \u201cWhy?\u201d and she\u2019ll go, \u201cThe sidewalks aren\u2019t even normal here!\u201d Then I\u2019ll go, \u201cI hear you, but I think the sidewalks are normal,\u201d and she\u2019ll say, \u201cYeah, but you don\u2019t know.\u201d She\u2019s like, \u201cEven the Home Depot is worse here!\u201d She\u2019ll start saying the prices are too expensive at Home Depot, and I\u2019m like, \u201cIt\u2019s the same!\u201d<\/p>\n The last thing I read was a text chain about a movie that we\u2019re in postproduction on \u2014 I don\u2019t think it has been announced yet \u2014 and we\u2019re doing the producer cut as we speak. I was involved in it before I left, so I\u2019m getting updates from the writer, director, and the other producer in the edit bay about what is happening with a sequence of the movie that we\u2019re all excited about. I\u2019m really curious where they\u2019re at today, so whenever I look at my phone, I\u2019m seeing updates. I think it\u2019s a very important sequence for the movie, and I\u2019m really hoping they crack it.<\/p>\n I used to buy everything used. When I was in high school, we moved right next to a Salvation Army in Evanston, so I got all my clothes from there, a bunch of my artwork, and a bunch of the stuff that I still carry around with me. But I\u2019m trying to think now about when the last time was that I even bought something besides food. And you can\u2019t buy used food \u2014\u00a0that\u2019s disgusting.<\/p>\n I can\u2019t remember. I\u2019m spending a lot of money, but I\u2019m not at an age where I\u2019m buying stuff. I\u2019m not into like, \u201cMan, I just got the new such-and-such.\u201d Even my phone\u2019s an iPhone 12 or an iPhone 11. I\u2019m a big believer in \u201cIf it\u2019s not broke, don\u2019t fix it.\u201d But then I\u2019ll be looking at somebody\u2019s phone and I\u2019ll go, \u201cDude, your photos are so much prettier than mine.\u201d And they\u2019re like, \u201cWell, look at your phone, dude.\u201d<\/p>\n Probably my sister. She gives advice after I ask her not to give advice, and I don\u2019t necessarily think the advice is helpful. It\u2019s a recurring theme. I\u2019ll go, \u201cI hear you. Thank you.\u201d And she\u2019ll go, \u201cBut keep in mind \u2026\u201d And I\u2019ll go, \u201cI hear you. I don\u2019t agree,\u201d and she\u2019ll go, \u201cYeah, but keep in mind \u2026\u201d We\u2019ve been having that conversation for about 30 years.<\/p>\n High school. Even if they asked me to give a speech, I\u2019m not interested. I don\u2019t feel negatively about it, I just don\u2019t have any interest in giving speeches at schools. I don\u2019t really like giving speeches. I\u2019m an actor, I\u2019m a producer, I\u2019m a writer. I don\u2019t have anything to say besides selling the movies. The only people I could make a speech for was a bunch of people who want to act. But even then, there\u2019s a way I like to act that\u2019s specific, so I could only give a speech to a room full of mes, and a room full of mes would not go to watch me make a speech.<\/p>\n My brother would take me in forever. My buddy, Eric Edelstein, the great actor \u2014 he was on The Boroughs and in Green Room \u2014 he would take me in forever, even when he\u2019s mad at me. He\u2019s mad at me right now, but he would still take me in. My wife would take me in no matter what. My mom would take me in sometimes. And that\u2019s enough. If you got a few people, I think you\u2019re lucky.<\/p>\n There are shows I absolutely adore, but I don\u2019t want to be in them because then they would be less perfect because they already exist. I loved Cheers. I loved The Sopranos. I loved The Larry Sanders Show. I loved the British Office. I loved Bottle Rocket. I loved Rushmore. I loved Stand by Me. I loved The Deer Hunter. I loved Platoon. But I don\u2019t want to be in any of those. The fantasy is what I\u2019ve lived: I got to watch them at some point.<\/p>\n Well, I don\u2019t have any gnarly addictions these days, which is nice. I\u2019ve got the booze under control. Cigarettes are dead to me. The idea of smoking a cigarette is insane. I\u2019ve gone through my vaping period. I\u2019ll never do that again. I quit before my kids were born, and they\u2019re 12 now, so it was a while ago.<\/p>\n Honestly, I did it because I thought I looked cool. Anybody who says they do that for any other reason is lying. So then I started thinking, If everybody knows I\u2019m just doing this to look cool, that\u2019s so much less cool. And I\u2019m, in fact, killing myself! Dying of lung cancer or emphysema is not a cute way to go. So now when I see that cool girl vaping or that hot guy smoking, I\u2019m like, You might be willing to give yourself emphysema for this moment around these people at a bowling alley? And then the other thought that started getting in my head is, The companies that make this hate me! They\u2019re trying to kill me. I don\u2019t want to give money to companies that hate me. Those concepts started sitting in my head, and then as I got older, I finally said, This is insane.<\/p>\n So I\u2019ll say snacking. You know what I really wish? I don\u2019t want to take Ozempic, but I wish that I got full easily and I just liked to eat healthy food.<\/p>\n It would be a total stranger. I\u2019d be sitting on the subway, and somebody who just looks like a regular old Plain Jane, I would just step in between their ears and hear everything.<\/p>\n I\u2019m a huge people watcher. I\u2019m obsessed with people. I\u2019ve always found the human zoo of it all so fascinating. It\u2019s what got me into plays. I find us so funny and odd. I think we\u2019re all lying and trying to act so much more put-together and brave and heroic and socialized than we are. So anytime somebody opens up and you get a true moment \u2014 which is what\u2019s so funny about alcohol, when you get what somebody\u2019s really thinking \u2014 that, to me, is my favorite. And that\u2019s what\u2019s been fun about the internet. People just put things out, and you get to see them alone expressing their thoughts.<\/p>\n Somebody reached out and offered me a free dinner at some restaurant, so I went there last night with some old friends, and the second I walked in, I regretted it and thought, This place is terrible. I should have just paid for dinner. I was like, I\u2019m still gonna give a bunch of money for the tip, because the wait staff is still working hard, so why are we eating this disgusting fish? We could have just gone anywhere! We\u2019re in New York City! And my buddies were teasing me. My old friends were there, and they were all like, \u201cCool place, man.\u201d<\/p>\n With free stuff, I have a little bit of a Great Depression\u2013era mentality. I come from a bunch of people who are just grinders who try to make a a dollar out of 50 cents. My uncle Eddie lived with us when he was having legal problems, and we would sell neon signs. He was always figuring out, not illegal schemes, but just how can you make something out of nothing. When I first got on television, I was back home at Thanksgiving, and Eddie was like, \u201cHey, man, will you sign these movies for me?\u201d And I was like, \u201cSure. You want my signature?\u201d As I was doing it, he was taking photos, and I was like, \u201cYou little snake! You\u2019re gonna try to sell these on eBay, you little rat.\u201d And so that is in my DNA, and it\u2019s something I love.<\/p>\n I\u2019m jealous of my wife\u2019s kindness and pace. She knows how to pace herself through life in a way that I don\u2019t. I\u2019m jealous of my brother\u2019s natural likability and charm. He\u2019s like the mayor of the world. I\u2019m jealous of my mother. In an old village, she would be like the wise old wizard lady. She just has really wild instincts.<\/p>\n Brown and grayish. I could be forgetting something, but I never bleached it. I remember I played Prince on New Girl. I don\u2019t know if they dyed it or put me in a wig, but it was in a flashback, and me and Lamorne Morris were both dressed like Prince. I don\u2019t remember shooting it, but I remember a photo from Georgie, who ran hair and makeup. She had that up for a while. Actually, if I could take a brain ride in someone else\u2019s consciousness, I might change my answer from Plain Jane to Prince.<\/p>\n I love the United States, first and foremost. I am somebody who\u2019s quite proud of the country that I come from, and I don\u2019t want to leave. I love Los Angeles, especially. David Lynch talks about the beauty of L.A. and the light of L.A., and how he felt free in L.A. and how there is a magic to it, and I feel that in Los Angeles.<\/p>\n But if I had to leave the States, I\u2019d go to the mountains of Costa Rica. I think the Costa Rican way of life is incredible. I was out there when I was 17 for a few months, and I got a sense of how people lived out there. I was just back out there with my family, and we were hiking around the rainforest with a guy who owned this beautiful land, and that kind of Tico mentality is just good living.<\/p>\n I ended up liking him, but there was a period of time I didn\u2019t like my father, and he taught me that my business is not a team sport but an individual sport. I used to think of it as a team sport, and I didn\u2019t like his take, but I learned later in life that he was right, and then I also learned later in life that I really liked him.<\/p>\n He said it about show business. When you act as part of an ensemble, I came up on the notion that you\u2019re only as good as your scene partner, so don\u2019t try to steal a scene. And that\u2019s the way I like to act. But once that job ends, that\u2019s not your team anymore; now you\u2019re back to being an individual. I originally wanted to be in a group \u2014 a sketch group or a comedy group \u2014\u00a0where we worked together over and over, have no outsiders come in, and just do our stuff. He was the guy who taught me that\u2019s not reality.<\/p>\n I had overnight oats with some flaxseed, some Ka\u2019Chava protein powder, some hot water, and black coffee on ice. That\u2019s every day, jack.<\/p>\n Something that was really funny to me is a joke, and I\u2019ll try to do the fastest version of it possible: There\u2019s a guy who works at the gorilla house at the zoo, and one day, a scientist comes to him and says, \u201cWe\u2019re looking to do a big study on bestiality. It\u2019s $1,000, but we want to see what happens when somebody has sex with the gorillas.\u201d And the guy goes, \u201cJesus Christ!\u201d The scientist says, \u201cWe think you\u2019d be perfect, because the gorillas trust you and you trust the gorillas.\u201d He\u2019s like, \u201cJesus! Only $1,000?\u201d He thinks a bit more, and then says, \u201cAll right, I\u2019ll do it, but under three conditions. One: You never tell anybody. It never leaks. It is anonymous. Two: No matter what, my wife and family can never find out. And three: I\u2019m gonna need at least a month to come up with the money.\u201d I always found that really funny. I don\u2019t think about it a lot, but I love that joke.<\/p>\n My friends and I will still tell each other street jokes occasionally. You know who I do that with? Michael Cera. He and I are old friends for 20 years now, and every once in a while we\u2019ll sit down and have an old-school joke-off.<\/p>\n I don\u2019t think violence is funny. If somebody falls really hard and really fucks up their shoulder, there\u2019s a whole generation of young people laughing, but I\u2019ll be like, I think they really hurt their shoulder. But to contradict that, I do think Jackass is funny because they\u2019re choosing it. But I think if somebody\u2019s walking and they get hit really hard, my instinct is not to laugh. I get a stomachache.<\/p>\n I think my family is beautiful.<\/p>\n Relationships where the intentionality is not pure \u2014\u00a0where somebody\u2019s pretending it\u2019s one thing, but it\u2019s something else. Once you see that, you go, Man, I thought you were one thing, but you\u2019re actually this. I find that very ugly.<\/p>\n I will work forever because I love it. Money was a driving factor for a long part of my job, and I thought once I hit a certain number, I would stop. But then I hit that number and realized that I get so much joy from working. I like viewing movies and TV shows like puzzles, where you\u2019re trying to put something together. If it\u2019s from an original idea, like in The Dink, then I\u2019m trying to figure out, as an actor, how to do this tone with all these different actors. Every scene has a tone, and every project has a feeling, and there\u2019s moments where the joke is supposed to hit, and that to me feels like an endlessly fun puzzle. If the business fades away, or if I get kicked out and nobody\u2019s interested in seeing me anymore, I will keep working and doing something, because I like to keep my brain really busy.<\/p>\n