{"id":784084,"date":"2026-07-25T17:31:13","date_gmt":"2026-07-25T17:31:13","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/784084\/"},"modified":"2026-07-25T17:31:13","modified_gmt":"2026-07-25T17:31:13","slug":"male-lingerie-fantasy-six-years-ago-i-indulged-my-husbands-biggest-desire-now-its-eating-me-alive","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/784084\/","title":{"rendered":"Male lingerie fantasy: Six years ago, I indulged my husband’s biggest desire. Now it’s eating me alive."},"content":{"rendered":"

Sign up for the Slatest<\/a> to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily.<\/p>\n

How to Do It is Slate\u2019s sex advice column.\u00a0Have a question?\u00a0Send it to Stoya and Rich here.<\/a>\u00a0It\u2019s anonymous!<\/p>\n

Dear How to Do It,<\/p>\n

I have something I\u2019ve been trying to wrap my head around for several years now. I (straight woman, 38) have been with my husband (straight man, 36) for eight years. Shortly before we got married, he admitted he thought wearing my panties would be sexy after a few drinks one night. I\u2019ve always told him I\u2019m open to anything sexually as long as it only involves the two of us, so I was open to him wearing my panties. I did find it taboo and sexy. It seemed mild and a fun way to spice things up. It was fun \u2026 and then it started taking over my life.<\/p>\n

Things very quickly escalated to him wearing lingerie, wigs, makeup, or painting his toenails during sex. Most of those (makeup, wigs, painting nails) were more occasional foreplay, but the lingerie is something he now wears almost every single time we are intimate. Very rarely\u2014maybe a couple times a year\u2014we have sex without him wearing lingerie. (Those times are middle of the night, half asleep sex where it is not planned and he wakes up briefly to fool around.) His dirty talk has also escalated to him saying things I\u2019d never heard before, which led me (after questioning him and his repeated denial) to discover he was watching trans porn pretty frequently, which I tried really hard not to take personally. At times, I\u2019ve felt like he must not be attracted to me with how into this cross-dressing fetish he is. He has expressed (only during sex) wanting to bring another man into the bedroom, very vividly describing what he wanted to do to him, and has explored with anal play using toys, which he really enjoys.<\/p>\n

Generally I\u2019m OK with most of this, although it\u2019s taken quite a bit of adjusting on my end and several discussions to clear what is sexual fantasy for him, or whether he wants any of these things in real life. He swears he only says these things about other men in the moment, but he says them so often that I\u2019m just not sure. It\u2019s truthfully caused me to feel a bit insecure and insufficient. I\u2019ve also expressed repeatedly that while I\u2019m game for him wearing lingerie like he prefers, sometimes I\u2019d really like to have sex without him in lingerie. He says he\u2019s open to it, but time has shown me he just does not prefer it at all. If we have sex, he picks out lingerie for us both. He now has an extensive lingerie collection, which I have bought him a lot of. It really seems the fantasies have taken over. This has been happening for about six years.<\/p>\n

What do I do to get this point across or tame this fetish of his? I don\u2019t feel it\u2019s fair to only feed into his fetishes every time we\u2019re having sex. The truth is I love my husband and he\u2019s extremely masculine outside of our sex life, but I\u2019m attracted to men, and I want to have sex with that masculine man I know. I\u2019m not attracted to men in lingerie. It\u2019s just something I\u2019ve learned to tolerate, at best. I\u2019ve said countless times I like having sex without the lingerie sometimes and he seems receptive but it just never happens. Overall, our sex life is great and we both enjoy our time. I just feel like I\u2019ve been sucked into his fantasies and I don\u2019t know if this is sustainable for me for the rest of my life. Please help me decipher what all of this means and what I can do to find balance in our sex life.<\/p>\n

\u2014The Pruder Partner<\/p>\n

Dear Pruder Partner,<\/p>\n

When I read the following line, a furious record scratch sounded in my head: \u201cOverall, our sex life is great and we both enjoy our time.\u201d Huh???\u00a0 Before that, \u201cgreat\u201d is about the last word I figured you\u2019d use to describe your sex life. Are you sure about that? If so, I think you should consider that your sex life may be great because of your husband\u2019s fetish and your willingness to indulge him. Being unable to express oneself fully tends to show up in the quality of the sex. That said, even if it is great, I understand that the current situation is not ideal and that you would prefer a bit more variety in terms of your husband\u2019s presentation. That\u2019s completely fair, though potentially impossible.<\/p>\n

Think practically here. If there is enough there to make sex great, irrespective of the lingerie, what\u2019s happening with your sex life now might be worth preserving in full. That said, I think it would be reasonable to point out to your husband that the lingerie and other accoutrements are his thing and that you\u2019d really like to try sex without them. Your desires are valid too, and, as you\u2019ve done so much to indulge his, it seems he could stand to do the same for you. Do not state this vaguely with no particular target; tell him you\u2019d like the next time you have sex to be lingerie-free. An extremely gentle reminder immediately before that session, whenever it is, could also be useful. . If he does not honor your desire, you can point out then and there that you are not getting what you just asked for. What does he want to do about that? Does he expect you to put his desires before yours, every single time?<\/p>\n

Doing this would quietly test him in multiple ways. You\u2019d see if he\u2019d be able to have sex without the lingerie and, if so, you\u2019d be able to evaluate the quality of the sex. Maybe you\u2019d both disprove my hypothesis, and have great sex even without his fetish in play. Regardless, I think you\u2019ll find that the lingerie isn\u2019t really going anywhere. At best, you\u2019ll be able to mix in some non-lingerie sex between the lingerie sessions, but your husband is stating very clearly what he\u2019s into and what\u2019s going to keep him engaged in sex. It\u2019s up to you to decide whether you want that.<\/p>\n


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His fantasies about sexually servicing other men might just be fantasies. Even if there is a desire to make this real, it may be too challenging, as it would require coordination and if he\u2019s only feeling this stuff during his peak horniness, he might not have the motivation to actually make it happen. Certainly, plenty of people carry around desires that they never actually act on (like those in monogamous relationships who don\u2019t cheat despite their attraction to other people). At least this stuff isn\u2019t being kept secret. Your husband is sharing with you and there\u2019s something beautiful in his honesty. Part of the fun of having sex with masculine men is unwrapping the tough exterior to get to their gooey middle. Almost all of them have one. Yours may be softer than you would prefer, though. At minimum, you should consider what you will do if lingerie is always a part of your sex life with him. Can you live with that for the rest of your life? If not, you may have some tough decisions ahead of you.<\/p>\n

\u2014Rich<\/p>\n

More Advice From Slate<\/p>\n

I\u2019m a 52-year-old male who looks 42. I\u2019m healthy, fairly handsome, very intelligent, successful, musically talented, generous, and have a great sense of humor. But, I have the absolute most difficult time engaging any type of sex that involves my penis because it\u2019s smaller than average, and noticeably so. A lot of my partners seem disappointed by it, or say hurtful things about it. I know I\u2019m great in bed otherwise, but I can\u2019t get over this mental block around using my penis during sex. Help!<\/a><\/p>\n

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