{"id":791862,"date":"2026-07-29T19:06:11","date_gmt":"2026-07-29T19:06:11","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/791862\/"},"modified":"2026-07-29T19:06:11","modified_gmt":"2026-07-29T19:06:11","slug":"sex-advice-i-finally-confessed-my-secret-attraction-to-my-husband-he-thinks-im-just-covering-up-something-bigger","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/791862\/","title":{"rendered":"Sex advice: I finally confessed my secret attraction to my husband. He thinks I’m just covering up something bigger."},"content":{"rendered":"

Sign up for the Slatest<\/a> to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily.<\/p>\n

How to Do It is Slate\u2019s sex advice column.\u00a0Have a question?\u00a0Send it to Jessica and Rich here.<\/a>\u00a0It\u2019s anonymous!<\/p>\n

Dear How to Do It,<\/p>\n

I\u2019m a 38-year-old woman who was raised in a very conservative household. Growing up, I was very attracted to several of my classmates, all girls, but I knew that my attraction would go over badly, so I never really acted on it. Then I met this guy in college; we started dating, it didn\u2019t work out, and I dated a few more guys. One of them did work out. \u201cJohn\u201d is an amazing man, the love of my life, and we\u2019ll be having our 10th anniversary soon.<\/p>\n

He\u2019s always made me feel accepted, warm, safe. I finally opened up to him about having always liked women, and I was hoping to seek his blessing to try some sexual experiences outside the marriage with other women. Only, I was super, super nervous, and some of the things I said came out wrong. I got that permission, but now he\u2019s under the impression I don\u2019t want to have sex with him anymore. He\u2019s completely stopped initiating, and the one time I\u2019ve tried to initiate since, he told me he doesn\u2019t need my pity.<\/p>\n

That is absolutely, 100 percent not what I meant. But he now seems to be under the impression I\u2019m some kind of repressed lesbian and never wanted him in the first place, and that the entire marriage has been some kind of sham. I need to fix this, but every time I open up about it, I seem to make things worse. What can I do now?<\/p>\n

\u2014Part-Time Bi, Full-Time Denied<\/p>\n

Dear Part-Time Bi, Full-Time Denied,<\/p>\n

You are blaming yourself and the way that you delivered the news of your interest in women for the downturn in your sex life with your husband. Your presentation of the facts in your letter may in fact be true, and it is important to be aware of your lapses in communication, but you should at least consider that your husband\u2019s reaction may come in part or totally from his own insecurities. It would be a mistake to rule out the fragile male ego from having an outsized role in this issue. If that\u2019s the case, and you want to get back on track, you\u2019ll have to work with that ego\u2014just know that you may be unfairly assuming all the blame here.<\/p>\n

If every time you open up, you\u2019re digging yourself further into the hole, try telling less and showing more. I\u2019m not sure how much time has passed since your admission, but initiating sex once is clearly not enough to convince your husband that you\u2019re still into him. Proposition him more and let him know it\u2019s not out of pity, but genuine attraction and lust. Brace yourself for rejection and for more uncomfortable conversations. I get the sense from your letter that you don\u2019t tend to be the one who initiates sex, but this situation is calling for greater effort on your part. It won\u2019t necessarily be this way forever, but it\u2019s a delicate time, and you want to speak to be heard. Make it clear that you\u2019re still into him and keep doing so until he understands. This may just take time to resolve. He might need to get used to the idea that you aren\u2019t 100 percent straight, which might be a process for him.<\/p>\n

You can also modify your request. Maybe you propose bringing in a third so that your husband doesn\u2019t feel left out of your exploring. Not everyone enjoys group sex, and you may very well only want to experience women on your own\u2014that\u2019s fine and completely valid, but if you would be open to playing together with your husband (provided that he is into it, too), it could be a way of deepening your bond as a couple, not threatening it. Another option is to take other women off the table for now. You can tell him that you see your admission upset him, and that while that doesn\u2019t change your attraction or desire to act on it, you are willing to delay your exploration as he warms up to the idea. This would be a way of letting him know he\u2019s still important to you while affirming that your attraction to women does exist and you will want to act on it at some point.<\/p>\n

\n Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don\u2018t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication.\n <\/p>\n

Dear How to Do It,<\/p>\n

I think my partner (male, 33) is somewhere on the asexuality spectrum. We\u2019ve been together for eight years, since he was 26. He, however, thinks he has a \u201cnormative\u201d male sex drive. It doesn\u2019t actually matter to me, as I am also somewhere on the asexuality spectrum, which I didn\u2019t realize or share with him until a few months ago.<\/p>\n

We are just curious if you can settle the debate for us: Is this a normative sexual drive, or significantly less than \u201cnormative\u201d? He has never (until me) been in a relationship that isn\u2019t long-distance, making sex infrequent with all previous partners (there were three partners before me). We have sex three to five times per year, 100 percent of the time initiated by me. If I point out how infrequently we have sex, he insists we have sex \u201cfairly frequently.\u201d He does not watch porn; he does not masturbate. This is not a normative male sex drive, right?!<\/p>\n

\u2014Asexual Dating an Asexual (they\/them)<\/p>\n

Dear Asexual Dating an Asexual,<\/p>\n

Like asexuality, its inverse, allosexuality, exists on a spectrum. There are people who don\u2019t identify as ace who are extremely horny and those who are less so. It is generally accepted that the defining characteristic of asexuality is a lack of sexual attraction, so even those with low levels of attraction or less frequent motivation to have sex based on said attraction could plausibly identify as allo. Really, they can identify however they want, though. As you point out, the point is moot anyway thanks to your own asexuality. What is striking about your letter is that you found each other. If three to five times per year works for you and it works for him, that\u2019s great.<\/p>\n

Generally speaking, a sexless marriage\/dead bedroom is defined<\/a> as a relationship in which sex happens less than 10 times per year. But as with a lot of potential sexual dysfunction, this is only a problem if it is distressing. I do agree with you on at least one thing: Objectively, averaging sex once a quarter is not \u201cfairly frequently.\u201d Your partner\u2019s lack of initiation isn\u2019t necessarily an indication of asexuality, though. Some people have a more responsive desire, meaning that they tend to require a stimulus (like an invitation to sex) to get in the mood, as opposed to those with spontaneous desire who just seem to materialize their horniness out of thin air. Someone working with the two of you on this issue, though, would probably inquire about the quality of that sex. If you\u2019re both enjoying it and you are satisfied, great. No need to stuff yourselves silly.<\/p>\n

You pose your question as a desire to settle a debate. I don\u2019t want to make a call on your partner\u2019s desire and how normative it is, especially since I\u2019m not hearing from him or getting the full story. (Maybe his fantasy life is vivid and he does some masturbation you don\u2019t know about?) If this really is just out of sheer curiosity, I would say that the call that I\u2019m comfortable making is that you have sex quite infrequently based on common wisdom among sex experts. But if you\u2019re asking for other reasons, like if this actually bothers you, it\u2019s potentially a problem in the making and could require further conversation and work. So you should make sure you have a real grasp on why this apparent non-issue prompted you to write a letter about it. In the event that there is something more bothersome there, perhaps talk to a sex therapist\/couples counselor with your partner.<\/p>\n

Share Your Story With How to Do It!<\/p>\n

Readers often have great suggestions for our letter writers, occasionally disagree with a point our How to Do It writers make, or simply want to provide some additional advice. Each month, Jessica and Rich will be replying to some of these comments and suggestions from readers.\u00a0Write to us!<\/a><\/p>\n

Dear How to Do It,<\/p>\n

My husband participated in competitive cycling for more than a decade and now has been experiencing frequent erectile dysfunction.\u00a0Drugs have not been particularly effective.\u00a0He is extremely embarrassed and depressed as a result.\u00a0What (if anything) can be done to improve our situation?<\/p>\n

\u2014Bike Boner Killer<\/p>\n

Dear Bike Boner Killer,<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

My Teen Daughter Lost Her Friend Group. I\u2019m Surprised By What It\u2019s Done to Me.
\n <\/a><\/p>\n


\n This Content is Available for Slate Plus members only<\/p>\n

It Took Me Years to Finally Feel Like I Was Hot. Then I Met My Wife, and It\u2019s Only Been Downhill Since.
\n <\/a><\/p>\n

There is indeed a positive correlation between cycling and erectile dysfunction, according to a 2021 meta-analysis<\/a> of multiple studies, though the jury is still out<\/a> on how much of a direct impact it truly has. His ED could simply be a function of getting older or an underlying health condition. There are plenty of ED treatments beyond the standard PDE5 inhibitor pills like tadalafil and sildenafil, though many require the approval of a doctor. Your husband\u2019s embarrassment may be a barrier to care at the moment. He needs to reflect on which is worse: having erectile dysfunction or telling a professional about it so that he can potentially ameliorate it. You can encourage him to seek help, as this affects both of you and he\u2019s the only one who can actually do something about it.<\/p>\n

One of the alternatives is Trimix, a combination of drugs that are injected directly into the penis. That may sound daunting, but it has high rates<\/a> of reported patient satisfaction as well as efficacy. Often, when oral meds don\u2019t work, Trimix is prescribed. A more invasive therapy is a penile implant, in which a device is surgically placed inside the penis to effectively grant erections on command. We recently heard from a reader who underwent this surgery<\/a> and said he was happy with it (though he was somewhat conflicted about being seen in gym showers with what looked like a persistent semi-erect penis). If you want some more information on implants, check out this past column<\/a> featuring an interview with a doctor who performs them and has written about them extensively.<\/p>\n

Other options may include penis pumps, cock rings, and urethral suppositories. All would be best explored with a doctor. Support your husband with gentle encouragement to pursue these many options at his disposal.<\/p>\n

\u2014Rich<\/p>\n

More Advice From Slate<\/p>\n

I\u2019m a man who\u2019s been with my girlfriend for close to eight years now. The longer we\u2019ve been together, the more I\u2019m starting to realize I\u2019m bisexual. She\u2019s always known that I\u2019ve been curious and wanting to explore my sexuality, and she\u2019s helped me with that in the past even when she wasn\u2019t so comfortable with it. She insisted that I try it to know, and when I did a few years ago, I really enjoyed it\u2026<\/a><\/p>\n

Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays.\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to…\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":791863,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[34],"tags":[3005,97,14110],"class_list":["post-791862","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","category-health","tag-advice","tag-health","tag-sex"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/791862","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=791862"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/791862\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/791863"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=791862"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=791862"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=791862"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}