What job in our world is less lucrative than being a parent? A Hollywood internship? Volunteering at a soup kitchen? Professional writer? Parenting is the only job you have to pay money to do. Lots of money. Lodging, clothes, food, school, Pok\u00e9mon cards \u2013 it really adds up. And it\u2019s getting worse. According to the tech industry, I have to strap my drooling offspring to a computer in order to ensure the baby\u2019s survival.<\/p>\n
Parents are being offered life-altering advancements in artificial intelligence that purport to make this taxing endeavor a tiny bit easier. OpenAI is suggesting its latest products can make child-rearing more efficient: its boss, Sam Altman, suggests generating a podcast about your kid\u2019s life<\/a> that you can listen to in the morning on the way to school. How entertaining would a podcast \u201cthat talks about one kid\u2019s soccer game that afternoon, one kid\u2019s upcoming birthday, some news, etc\u201d actually be? \u201cJimmy needs to work on his dribbling.\u201d Great. I think he knows already. He\u2019s not going to be the next Messi, so how about we switch back to music?<\/p>\n Presumably, this idea renders the need for conversation moot. The computer already knows everything about our lives and has now regurgitated it into digital mush delivered by a generically cheery voice. But why I would find it helpful to have a machine reiterate information I have at my disposal already is a grand mystery even Philip Marlowe couldn\u2019t solve. I\u2019m a functioning, alive adult human being. This is like giving me an extra tooth with the promise that I can chew my food faster.<\/p>\n But what about the eight to 10 hours a day when your child has the gift of blissful solitude? Surely, they can\u2019t be left alone at bedtime, lest they swallow a Hot Wheels car or open your favorite jar of loose razor blades. That\u2019s where Nanit<\/a> comes in \u2013 a startup that promises the kind of 24-hour surveillance that would make the Department of Homeland Security salivate. Nanit sells a camera and monitor set that observes your kid during sleep, tracking eye movements, \u201csleep efficiency\u201d, and breathing patterns. Nanit\u2019s rival, a company called Owlet, attaches a pulse oximetry tracker to your child\u2019s foot through a sock. That\u2019s not quite hooking your kid up to a terminal from the novel Neuromancer, but it feels like a decent first step in that direction. An app called Huckleberry offers \u201coptimized nap predictions\u201d and a chatbot assistant.<\/p>\n Of course, all of this costs money. A Nanit kit is $474, plus $100 a year in subscription fees. Owlet\u2019s robo-sock is $300. Huckleberry\u2019s app is free, but its nap predictions, like expert sports betting advice, will cost you. For $120, you can be told when your kid might go to sleep. I doubt there\u2019s a money-back guarantee if they get it wrong, and the kid ends up spilling Legos all over the floor instead of going to bed.<\/p>\n These services promise to save lives by identifying health issues early in a child\u2019s development. Nanit claims it offers more sleep and peace of mind, so parents can move their babies into their own rooms, thereby giving mom and dad a chance to go back to having regular intercourse. Yes, Nanit has looked into parents\u2019 sex habits, too<\/a>. If you went back to when I was married, you\u2019d find there wasn\u2019t much to look into.<\/p>\n None of this is anything people actually need to be parents. Babies need food, toys, diapers and a regular bath. Those all cost money. If I have to choose between saving for my son\u2019s college and a spreadsheet with a bunch of biometric data, I\u2019m skipping the spreadsheet. I realize, of course, these products are not for me. I don\u2019t have an unlimited supply of disposable income. I have to prioritize and be practical. These devices are for people who optimize every single shred of their daily lives, thinking it will protect them from the reality of failure, illness and death. I\u2019m sorry to report that a $400 camera isn\u2019t going to fix any of that.<\/p>\n Society has been trying to offer solutions to solve the conundrum of parenting for decades: self-help books, classes, the legendary (and expensive) Snoo crib<\/a> that shakes your child like it\u2019s a gin martini until it stops crying. In every case, these aids cost money, turning parenting into a lucrative sector of the economy. If you can\u2019t afford these modern \u201cmiracles\u201d, where can you turn?<\/p>\n