{"id":813558,"date":"2026-08-14T16:56:13","date_gmt":"2026-08-14T16:56:13","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/813558\/"},"modified":"2026-08-14T16:56:13","modified_gmt":"2026-08-14T16:56:13","slug":"its-long-past-time-nintendo-gave-mario-a-gun-you-cowards","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/813558\/","title":{"rendered":"It’s Long Past Time Nintendo Gave Mario A Gun, You Cowards"},"content":{"rendered":"

A recent press release<\/a> from market research firm NPD Group provides hard proof for what we all already knew in our hearts: Grand Theft Auto has usurped Mario as video game royalty.<\/p>\n

NPD\u2019s analysis shows Grand Theft Auto: Vice City on the PlayStation 2 was the United States\u2019 best-selling game of 2002, followed by last year\u2019s Grand Theft Auto III. This one-two punch from developer Rockstar Games beat out other heavy hitters like Madden NFL 2003, Kingdom Hearts, and Super Mario Sunshine. In fact, Nintendo\u2019s water-heavy GameCube adventure ended the year in a distant 10th place, despite being the first 3D game in the series since 1996\u2019s ground-breaking Super Mario 64.<\/p>\n

I can only come to one conclusion about this data, and it\u2019s that Nintendo needs to give Mario a gun.<\/p>\n

While violence has arguably been intrinsic to certain sub-categories of video games since the arrival of Doom in 1993, the industry has seen a massive shift in mainstream popularity in recent years from the lighthearted romps of Pok\u00e9mon and The Legend of Zelda to the gritty realism pioneered by Grand Theft Auto. Kids who cut their teeth on Nintendo are becoming PlayStation adults desperate for mature entertainment, and I can\u2019t think of anything more grown up than Mario meets The Sopranos.<\/p>\n

Let me paint a picture for you. Peach is dead after a failed kidnapping, and Mario believes longtime rival Bowser is to blame. He\u2019s tracked the mob boss, known on the streets as King Koopa, to a grimy warehouse in the heart of the Mushroom Kingdom slums. Goombas and Shy Guys package illicit substances for distribution, but Bowser\u2019s nowhere to be seen. No matter. Mario grips a pair of Glocks and mutters one last \u201cLet\u2019s-a fuckin\u2019 go\u2026\u201d before kicking down the doors and pumping the goons full of lead. What follows is dozens of hours of drug deals, car chases, and mafia hits as Mario rides a bloody tidal wave of revenge to become the new king of the underworld.<\/p>\n

You can\u2019t tell me that doesn\u2019t sound like the coolest freaking video game of all time. Just the thought of Mario going full Tony Montana, mushroom powder falling from his mustache as he mows down a rival gang with an AR-15, gives me the chills. I\u2019m going to buy a second Scarface poster just to draw a little red hat on Al Pacino.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s not like there isn\u2019t precedent. Donkey Kong 64 was the second-most popular game<\/a> on Nintendo 64 and the sixth-most popular overall in 1999. It\u2019s fun, sure, but I guarantee what pushed it to the top of the charts was equipping all five apes with guns and grenades. And while I wouldn\u2019t call Donkey Kong 64 a gritty game by any means\u2014they even traded the realistic-looking shotgun from early previews<\/a> for something more whimsical in the final release\u2014it\u2019s certainly the gloomiest 3D platformer on Nintendo\u2019s console so far. They killed off poor old Wrinkly Kong and had her ghost give you tips, for crying out loud.<\/p>\n

Just a few years ago, Nintendo dominated the sales charts. PlayStation, however, managed to develop a winning formula with its focus on mature games like Grand Theft Auto. As an adult man, I find myself gravitating more toward the gritty realism provided by Sony\u2019s console over the silly Nintendo distractions that once amused me as a child. And as we all know, adult men are the only demographic that should be taken seriously by the video game business. Do the right thing, Nintendo. Give Mario a gun.<\/p>\n

The story you just read is part of the 2002 edition of Warp Week<\/a>, a Kotaku series that takes readers back to gaming\u2019s past through a mix of time-dilated reviews, retrospectives, and on-the-ground reports.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"A recent press release from market research firm NPD Group provides hard proof for what we all already…\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":813559,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[31],"tags":[26324,74,344492],"class_list":["post-813558","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","category-technology","tag-mario","tag-technology","tag-warp-week-2002"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/813558","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=813558"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/813558\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/813559"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=813558"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=813558"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=813558"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}