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\n Lisa manages to be so incredibly wrong that it forces Larsa to be more right than she has a right to be.
\n Photo: Bravo\n <\/p>\n
When Lisa and Larsa started fighting this episode, I thought, Here they go again, two twins trying to consume each other in the womb. However, as the episode progressed and the fight intensified, it evolved into something else. I can\u2019t believe I\u2019m about to say this, but Lisa is totally wrong and Larsa is rrrrrr \u2026 Larsa is rrrrrriiiiggg\u2026 Larsa is \u2026 Sorry I can\u2019t say it. But Larsa is not wrong.<\/p>\n
It all starts as Lisa tries to explain her lateness on this trip, which she alluded to in the last episode<\/a>. She says, \u201cI had legal matters that needed my presence, number one,\u201d Lisa tells Larsa and Stephanie. Larsa reminds her that she was in St. Barth\u2019s. Lisa says she was there with her lawyers because she and Jody made a commitment to rent a $100,000 villa and they \u201ckeep their commitments.\u201d Okay, but how did that make her miss her flight? Lisa claims she had to sign things and make phone calls. Okay, but again, how did this cause you to miss your flight? Sure, court things could pop up at the last moment, but are they so urgent that they would derail her whole travel plan? Wouldn\u2019t she have had a week, a day, or an hour?<\/p>\n Part of the issue that the women had with Lisa being late wasn\u2019t that she was late; it was that she never informed them of her whereabouts or updated them. How, at any point, did these last-minute legal issues prevent her from sending a text? I\u2019m going to time myself typing an apology text right now. Ready \u2026 Go: \u201cHey, Julia. So sorry, but some legal shit came up at the last minute. (Fucking Lenny. Argh!) I\u2019m trying to get it dealt with and make the flight on time, but there\u2019s a possibility I may be late. If I don\u2019t make it, leave without me, and I\u2019ll get the next flight there. Again, so sorry.\u201d And \u2026 Time! 52.16 seconds. That\u2019s how long it took. Not even a minute. I\u2019m sorry, but no matter what happened, you can\u2019t take 52.16 seconds out of your day to send a courtesy email to your friends. This whole thing is absolute bullshit.<\/p>\n After this, the ladies break up into two groups: Marysol escorts Larsa, Stephanie, Lisa, and Adriana, while Julia takes Guerdy, Alexia, and Kiki. Each group goes to pick out their flamenco dresses to wear for a special surprise for Stephanie on her birthday. Are they going to buy a Birkin and set it on fire like Clint Eastwood\u2019s daughter did<\/a>? I sure hope so. Probably not, though. Boring.<\/p>\n While they\u2019re at a food market, Kiki opens up about what\u2019s been bugging her the whole trip. She says she helped five of her cousins come over from Haiti after the Biden administration gave Haitians \u201ctemporary protected status\u201d after gangs essentially took over the capital<\/a>. As no good deed goes unpunished, Kiki started getting death threats from her family members that she couldn\u2019t help, wanting the same chance at the American dream that she had given others. She says that she had to move out of her house on short notice because of this. While her father stopped most of the bad behavior, she\u2019s still shaken up.<\/p>\n I want nothing but the best for our queen Kiki, who never has a bad thing to say, who gives us everything whenever she\u2019s on camera, and who struggles hard for herself and her family. Of all the people on Bravo, there is not a negative thing you can say about Kiki unless you hate goodness, light, and Burger King. Since this episode was shot, the Trump administration has ended that temporary protected status<\/a> and will likely attempt to deport Kiki\u2019s family, adding to her already considerable headaches. Kiki doesn\u2019t deserve this! Heck, Haitians don\u2019t deserve this.<\/p>\n What does our Kiki have to do for the rest of the day? Endure an afternoon of \u201cspiritual flamenco\u201d and fighting about whether or not Lisa should unfollow Marcus Jordan on Instagram. Of all the stupid fights that we have seen on these stupid shows during our stupid days, this one is by far the most ridiculous. This is so dumb it\u2019s like taking your SATs on an edible, three bumps of K, and the world\u2019s last remaining Four Loko. Larsa asked Lisa to unfollow Marcus and stop talking to him a few episodes ago, and she still hasn\u2019t done it.<\/p>\n Larsa finally asks her if she\u2019s done it point-blank, and Lisa just says, \u201cNo.\u201d Not, \u201cOh, sorry. I forgot. I\u2019ll do it now.\u201d Not, \u201cI think so, but I don\u2019t remember. You know I\u2019m bad at that.\u201d Not, \u201cOh, girl, I have to check, but I think maybe?\u201d Just a flat-out no without any explanation. She was not afraid of it and didn\u2019t intend to do it. Her defense is that her and Larsa\u2019s relationship deteriorated, so she didn\u2019t want to do it anymore. The whole reason their relationship was falling apart was that she was following Marcus. If she wants the relationship to repair itself, maybe, I don\u2019t know, just unfollow him.<\/p>\n I don\u2019t understand what Lisa is gaining from following him. She says she doesn\u2019t like to be told what to do. Fair. Who does? But everyone points out that Larsa is asking her to do it for their friendship. Also, if someone needs to be told what to do to do the right thing, then order them around like you just entered the Dominatrix of the Year award and they have a ball gag in their mouth and a puppy tail plug where the sun doesn\u2019t shine. In her confessional, however, Lisa says she won\u2019t unfollow him because he\u2019s being a better friend to her than Larsa is. Oh, trust that is coming up at the reunion.<\/p>\n Larsa is seeking an explanation for why she might still be following him and suggests that Lisa must be a \u201cgroupie.\u201d Well, is that not the flamenco dress calling the chicken pox patient spotted? (That\u2019s an idiom, right?) Lisa points out that Larsa is only ever with athletes, rappers, or Kardashians. Okay, who wrote that line, because it wasn\u2019t Lisa. While we\u2019re on the subject, who wrote the line Larsa delivered earlier in the episode when Lisa brings up her divorce attorneys in St. Barths and Larsa said, \u201cWhat\u2019s next? Doing your taxes in Bali?\u201d Whichever producer it is should get a raise, a Pulitzer, and a sickening supply of Anastasia of Beverly Hills cosmetics.<\/p>\n The women all get together and do some flamenco dancing, and after that, Lisa gets on the phone to bitch to Jody about what a bad friend Larsa is. After that, Lisa, Larsa, and Cult Jam apparently started screaming at each other in the elevator about something Jody-related, which the cameras didn\u2019t pick up. (Ugh, this is Kyle and Camille in the elevator on RHOBH<\/a> season one all over again!) After this, he starts sending Larsa lengthy texts that leave her unnerved.<\/p>\n I\u2019m sorry, but the vibes with Jody are off. Like shrimp at a roadside diner, there is just something I don\u2019t trust about him. Why is he texting Larsa? She uses the classic Housewives defense that I usually hate, saying that he should be texting her boyfriend or her brother, like a man can\u2019t have a conversation with a woman when they have a conflict. The difference here is that Larsa doesn\u2019t have beef with Jody; she has beef with Lisa that he is sticking his nose in. In the immortal words of every single woman to mutter a tagline on even one season of a Bravo show, stay out of women\u2019s business. This does not concern Jody at all.<\/p>\n