I usually write serious articles. This is not one of them.<\/p>\n
\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014<\/p>\n
No team deserves to be trash-talked like the team that ruined baseball.<\/p>\n
Last year, I wrote a series of satirical articles poking fun at each of the NL Central teams, including the Brewers<\/a>. Then the Brewers broke the franchise record for wins in two straight seasons, and it felt like bad taste to keep kicking division rivals who were already down. So I retired the series… until now, because Milwaukee is facing the New Evil Empire in the NLCS for the third time in eight years.<\/p>\n The guiding principle behind the original series still applies; as a baseball fan, you probably talk at least a little trash. Even the most mild-mannered Brewers fan has said something less than kind about an umpire, or Jesse Winker, or Manny Machado. I know it\u2019s always better to take the high road, and I encourage you, reader, to take it as often as possible.<\/p>\n However, if you\u2019re going to talk trash, do it well.<\/p>\n This guide is for every Brewers fan who\u2019s had to hear that the Dodgers \u201cearned\u201d their titles, and for anyone whose buddy from college moved to LA and bought an Ohtani jersey but can\u2019t name five other players. Next time someone tells you the Dodgers are \u201cjust a well-run organization<\/a>,\u201d come back and find this article. I promise it\u2019ll inspire you.<\/p>\n And to the impartial baseball fan: read this, then tell me you want the Dodgers to win.<\/p>\n This is the Haters\u2019 Guide to the Los Angeles Dodgers.<\/p>\n The Dodgers\u2019 current dynasty is, indirectly, thanks to former owner Frank McCourt. McCourt fired his wife from the Dodgers, kicking off what Business Insider \u2014 an outlet known for its dramatic, sensationalized headlines \u2014 called<\/a> \u201cThe Nastiest Billionaire Divorce Ever.\u201d The ensuing legal battle led to allegations of fraud, embezzlement, and tax evasion, and eventually a reported $130 million divorce settlement. In 2011, then-commissioner Bud Selig stepped in and took control of the team, and McCourt responded by filing for bankruptcy.<\/p>\n McCourt eventually sold the team to a group led by Mark Walter, who acts like the Dodgers are still bankrupt. Walter has built this current dynasty largely on IOUs, deferring over a billion dollars in guaranteed money to players in what is essentially a super-Bobby Bonilla<\/a> situation. The Dodgers will be paying star players like Shohei Ohtani, Mookie Betts, and Edwin D\u00edaz through the 2040s. In both 2038 and 2039, they\u2019ll owe $102.3 million in deferred payments. Seems super sustainable. When the payments end in 2047, Walter will be 87, so he probably doesn\u2019t care.<\/p>\n So, how did Walter get the money to buy the Dodgers? That\u2019s a great question, one that federal investigators also want to know; Walter and his companies are under investigation for potential fraud by federal prosecutors and the SEC<\/a>, even having his phone and computer seized by the FBI<\/a>.<\/p>\n Investigators are looking into whether Walter\u2019s insurance companies invested large amounts in Walter\u2019s own businesses through private loans and failed to label them as \u201crelated-party\u201d deals, transactions between entities with shared ownership that require extra disclosure and scrutiny. Delaware Life, one of those insurers, originally said about 3% of its investments were tied to Walter-linked companies. After it was subpoenaed, that number turned out to be roughly 39%, or about $17 billion.<\/p>\n In layman\u2019s terms, the feds want to know whether he\u2019s been using his insurance customers\u2019 money as his personal piggy bank. That\u2019s a big deal because, according to the Wall Street Journal, that insurance-funded investment strategy is what gave Walter the financial firepower to buy the Dodgers in the first place. Everything here seems totally above board. Where\u2019s Pablo Torre<\/a> when you need him<\/a>?<\/p>\n Walter also sold the naming rights to the field at historic Dodger Stadium, which is now confusingly known as \u201cUNIQLO Field at Dodger Stadium.\u201d This might be the most unforgivable thing he\u2019s ever done. Someday, maybe I\u2019ll get to go to a game at Banana Republic Field at Fenway Park.<\/p>\n The President of Baseball Ops:<\/p>\n Andrew Friedman, who\u2019s been in the position since October 2014. Before baseball, Friedman was an analyst at Bear Stearns, which collapsed in the 2008 financial crisis. So, to recap: the Dodgers\u2019 baseball operations are run by a Bear Stearns alum, and the owner\u2019s finances are under federal investigation. The jokes literally write themselves.<\/p>\n The highlights: Friedman traded for Mookie Betts and signed both Shohei Ohtani and Freddie Freeman. But to be fair, getting paid egregious amounts of money to live in Los Angeles kind of sells itself. I could have signed those guys.<\/p>\n The lowlights: Friedman let 2023 World Series MVP Corey Seager walk in 2021 and non-tendered 2023 Comeback Player of the Year Cody Bellinger in 2022. He also signed Trevor Bauer<\/a>, kept Julio Ur\u00edas<\/a> around after his first arrest, and \u2014 again \u2014 worked for Bear Stearns, so it\u2019s not like his judgment is infallible.<\/p>\n Dave Roberts, who wants to \u201creally ruin baseball<\/a>.\u201d<\/p>\n Roberts is the only person worse at bullpen management than Craig Counsell. That\u2019s why the Dodgers carry roughly 12 All-Stars on the pitching staff. It\u2019s the only way to Roberts-proof a bullpen.<\/p>\n Position Players Worth Mentioning:<\/p>\n The Dodgers\u2019 catcher is named Will Smith (not that Will Smith<\/a> though). At least actor Will Smith has a heart; what kind of monster leaves Randy Arozarena hanging<\/a>?<\/p>\n Smith is due to make $50 million in deferred money from 2034 to 2043, so he\u2019ll probably out-earn post-Oscars Will Smith just sitting on his couch. Good for him, I guess.<\/p>\n Their backup catcher for most of the season was Dalton Rushing, who didn\u2019t even make the playoff roster. Still, he\u2019s earned a spot here thanks to the long list of controversies he racked up in his sophomore season. In the span of two months, Rushing:<\/p>\n Fat-shamed Cubs catcher Miguel Amaya.Made me defend a Cub.Allegedly said \u201cF\u2014 him<\/a>\u201d in reference to Jung Hoo Lee while Lee lay on the ground writhing in agony.Said the video of him saying \u201cF\u2014 him\u201d was taken out of context.Did his best Manny Machado impression sliding into Jared Triolo<\/a>.Also Manny Machado\u2019ed my beloved Willy Adames<\/a>.Baselessly implied the Rockies were cheating, because that\u2019s apparently the only way the Rockies could beat the Dodgers in a random April game.Gave a whole speech about how he\u2019s misunderstood to The Athletic: \u201cI think guys have started to like, give me the label of (villain)\u2026 I just think that\u2019s me competing at the highest level and not allowing any outside source to kind of get in my way.\u201d<\/p>\n Andy Pages, the only affordable player on the roster, put up 6.0 bWAR this season, making him one of the Dodgers\u2019 best players. Can\u2019t imagine how much it sucks to be better than your coworkers at your job, but all of your coworkers make $20 million a year. On the opposite end of the spectrum is prized offseason acquisition Kyle Tucker, who the Dodgers are paying $55 million this year to provide exactly 0.7 bWAR.<\/p>\n Shohei Ohtani didn\u2019t notice<\/a> his interpreter and best friend stealing roughly $17 million from his bank account. I hate when I lose track of $17 million. Ohtani posted a .666 OPS over his last 29 regular-season games while dealing with biceps and knee injuries, so hopefully that\u2019s a sign that his deal with the devil is finally up.<\/p>\n Mookie Betts hit .257 with an OPS of .780 this year. Joey Ortiz hit .270 with a .730 OPS. Mookie Betts made north of $20 million dollars this year. Joey Ortiz made $790,400 this year. Mookie Betts is certainly not 25x better than Joey Ortiz. At this point in his career, he might be a better bowler<\/a> than a baseball player.<\/p>\n Top prospect Josue DePaula wasn\u2019t on the 40-man roster on September 1, but he\u2019s on the playoff roster anyway<\/a> because the Dodgers need all the help they can get.<\/p>\n Enrique \u201cKik\u00e9\u201d Hern\u00e1ndez, otherwise known as the Butthole Whisperer<\/a>, once posted a fan\u2019s address<\/a> on his Instagram.<\/p>\n Miguel Rojas, the oldest player in the oldest lineup in baseball, missed<\/a> the last game of the NLDS with back pain. Again, the jokes write themselves. I feel you, Miggy.<\/p>\n Pitchers Worth Mentioning:<\/p>\n Shohei Ohtani (total contract value; $700 million) isn\u2019t pitching this postseason, but it doesn\u2019t really matter because the Dodgers already went and got the best starter in the American League, Tarik Skubal.<\/p>\n Skubal, who\u2019s making $32 million this year, bought his former team, the Tigers, a really nice coffee machine. Then, when he was traded to the Dodgers, he took it with him. When the news broke and Skubal faced (understandable) backlash, he blamed it on his wife:<\/p>\n Per Skubal, his wife, Jessica, made him do it.<\/a><\/p>\n \u201cThat was my wife,\u201d Skubal said Friday, per The Athletic<\/a>. \u201cI wanted to leave it and get a new one, but she wouldn\u2019t let me. My wife was like, \u2018That was too expensive to just run the charge back.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n Even if your wife did make you, Tarik, you don\u2019t ever actually blame your wife, you just own it and wipe your tears with your millions of dollars. Super classy.<\/p>\n Skubal might not even be the best pitcher on his new team; that\u2019s not a knock on the back-to-back AL Cy Young winner, but a comment on the fact that the Dodgers have assembled the pitching Avengers. Yoshinobu Yamamoto ($325 million) is the only player on the Dodgers who I can\u2019t hate on, simply because all he does is show up and pitch till his arm falls off.<\/p>\n Blake Snell ($182 million) also won two Cy Young Awards, then the Dodgers signed him to the best deal in sports. From March to August, Snell hangs out on the IL and works full-time as a Twitch streamer<\/a>. He comes back in September to warm up, dominates in October, then heads back to the IL until the next postseason.<\/p>\n Former Ray Tyler Glasnow ($136 million) left Florida, but the Florida never left him<\/a>. Glasnow has a longer IL history than Snell, but he\u2019s usually healthy in October for some reason. And they say the Brewers are the team with devil magic on their side.<\/p>\n Another player the Dodgers have added since last year is Edwin D\u00edaz ($69 million), who famously tore his patellar tendon celebrating at the WBC. D\u00edaz is back and ready to ardently participate in all of his favorite pastimes, like blowing saves against the Brewers<\/a> and cockfighting. Yeah, you read that right. You know how baseball is America\u2019s pastime? Well, according to D\u00edaz, cockfighting is Puerto Rico\u2019s:<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s a pastime I\u2019ve followed since I was a child,\u201d D\u00edaz told El Nuevo D\u00eda in March. \u201cIt\u2019s legal in Puerto Rico, thank God.\u201d Cockfighting is, in fact, illegal under federal law<\/a> in Puerto Rico.<\/p>\n Back in 2018, D\u00edaz also compared his pitching to his roosters\u2019 fighting abilities: \u201cMy rooster went down dead and got up to fight, doing what my roosters know how to do: finish fights. He did what I do when I come in to pitch in the ninth: to close out the game.\u201d If this season was any indication, he\u2019s almost out of roosters<\/a>.<\/p>\n Roki Sasaki throws 100 mph with a filthy splitter; he\u2019s the Dodgers\u2019 third-best Nippon Professional Baseball star, and he isn\u2019t even in the rotation. Los Angeles will probably extend him anyway since they can just defer his salary until 2060.<\/p>\n The Manny Machado \u201cFormer Dodgers Worth Mentioning\u201d Section:<\/p>\n There\u2019s nobody Brewers fans hate like Manny Machado. Well, maybe Jesse Winker<\/a>. I considered giving him his own section, but that felt like giving him more respect than he deserves. Here\u2019s a complete timeline of why we hate him so much:<\/p>\n Threw his bat<\/a> at Oakland A\u2019s third baseman Josh Donaldson.Instead of denying he did it, said he \u201clet his emotions get the best of him.\u201dWas suspended five games.Charged Yordano Ventura (RIP) after Ventura hit him because, in the words of the Kansas City broadcast team, \u201capparently it\u2019s Ventura\u2019s job to just throw it right down the middle.\u201dRuined Dustin Pedroia\u2019s career with one of the most egregious dirty slides I\u2019ve ever seen.<\/a> The slide caused persistent structural damage in Pedroia\u2019s left knee<\/a>, leading to multiple surgeries and, eventually, a partial knee replacement.Didn\u2019t run out a grounder in the 2018 NLCS. When asked about it by the media, responded with this gem: \u201cObviously I\u2019m not going to change, I\u2019m not the type of player that\u2019s going to be \u2018Johnny Hustle,\u2019 and run down the line and slide to first base… That\u2019s just not my personality, that\u2019s not my cup of tea.\u201dSpiked Brewers first baseman<\/a> Jes\u00fas Aguilar\u2019s foot while, for once, running out a routine grounder. Can\u2019t blame him for this one; he hadn\u2019t run out a grounder since high school, so he probably just forgot where the bag was.When asked about it, Machado said \u201cIf that\u2019s dirty, that\u2019s dirty<\/a>.\u201d Correct.In that same series, tried to cup-check<\/a> Brewers shortstop Orlando Arcia on a late slide. At least buy him a drink first, Manny.Got suspended for making physical contact with umpire Bill Welke<\/a> after an ejection.Threw a ball <\/a>at the Dodgers\u2019 dugout during the 2024 NLDS, which Dave Roberts took as aimed at him.Pretended to toss a ball to a Dodgers fan, but flipped him off instead and kept the ball.Railed against analytics, saying, and I quote, that there\u2019s \u201ctoo many numbers<\/a>\u201d in baseball. He was hitting .175 with a .617 OPS at the time. Bet he wouldn\u2019t have said that back when he was an MVP candidate.<\/p>\n At least Machado doesn\u2019t use steroids, unlike the other Manny<\/a>.<\/p>\n Machado isn\u2019t the only former Dodger who understood the value of a good old ridiculously dangerous slide into second base. As bad as the Aguilar and Pedroia incidents were, neither qualifies as the dirtiest play by a former Dodger in recent history. That honor goes to Chase Utley, who broke Rub\u00e9n Tejada\u2019s leg in the 2015 NLDS with a slide so dirty it led to the implementation of the \u201cUtley Rule.\u201d<\/p>\n Machado also might not even be the worst human to play for the Dodgers. That honor could also go to Trevor Bauer, whom Friedman signed to a $102 million contract in early 2021. Yeah, you read that right: $102 million committed to what turned out to be half a season of Trevor Bauer. No wonder they have to defer all their contracts now.<\/p>\n I\u2019m leaving the sexual assault allegations out of this, because they aren\u2019t a joke. Luckily for this column, Bauer gave us plenty of other material.<\/p>\n In 2018, while with Cleveland, Bauer hinted on Twitter that Astros pitchers were using sticky substances to boost spin rates. His first tweet was 36 thinking-face emojis, then a sarcastic follow-up<\/a> about wishing there were a quick way to increase spin rate. He also said sticky stuff gave pitchers a \u201cbigger advantage than steroids.\u201d Alex Bregman, then an Astro, weighed in by calling him Tyler.<\/p>\n Then, his own spin rate jumped 300+ RPM in 2020. In his second start as a Dodger, in April 2021, umpires pulled several of his baseballs for having visible marks and being sticky and sent them to MLB for inspection. He responded by mocking \u201cnational gossip bloggers\u201d on Twitter.<\/p>\n Last year, Bauer put up a 4.51 ERA in Japan; I don\u2019t think even sticky stuff can save him now.<\/p>\n Other notable Bauer incidents include:<\/p>\n Before his start in the 2016 ALCS, he cut his finger playing with a drone. Said finger started bleeding on the mound during the first inning and Terry Francona had to pull him. It\u2019s probably the only time a foreign substance on Bauer\u2019s hand wasn\u2019t his fault.In 2019, Francona came out to take him out of the game. Bauer responded by launching the ball<\/a> over the center field fence. Not a great way to respond when your manager tells you you can\u2019t throw strikes. Cleveland immediately traded him.<\/p>\n Another player involved in that trade was Yasiel Puig, who ended the Brewers\u2019 season in 2018 and was as annoying as humanly possible<\/a> about it. Since I\u2019m nearing my word limit, here\u2019s the CliffsNotes on Puig:<\/p>\n Shoved catcher Nick Hundley, starting a brawl that he was later suspended for.Bat-flipped singles<\/a>, and doubles, and triples.Used to lick his bat before important at-bats, ostensibly for luck.Used his interpreter to pick up women.<\/a>Unlike Ohtani, didn\u2019t need an interpreter to rack up gambling debt<\/a>. Funnily enough, Puig\u2019s defense team blamed\u2026 <\/a>the interpreter.<\/p>\n Clayton Kershaw, one of the greatest pitchers in baseball history, spent his entire illustrious career with the Dodgers. For much of that career, he was also known as a playoff choker. He retired having allowed Brandon Woodruff, a pitcher, to hit .500 against him in the playoffs, including a homer<\/a>.<\/p>\n Since Rafael Furcal also played for the Dodgers, I get to reuse this one from the Cardinals article:<\/p>\n Rafael Furcal<\/a> just got arrested on a felony charge for \u201cthrowing a missile<\/a>\u201d at someone in a Publix parking lot. Yes, this happened in Florida. The guy Furcal assaulted allegedly beat him up afterwards, proving that \u2014 like most Dodgers fans \u2014 he doesn\u2019t stand a chance in a fair fight.<\/p>\n