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My Two Cents<\/a><\/p>\n \n Personal-finance columnist Charlotte Cowles asks the nosy, revealing, sometimes uncomfortable questions about money so you don\u2019t have to.\n <\/p>\n \n Photo-Illustration: by The Cut; Photos: Getty Images\n <\/p>\n Breakups are complicated. When money\u2019s involved, they\u2019re even messier<\/a>. If one person owes the other a debt \u2014\u00a0or the other claims they do \u2014\u00a0there isn\u2019t much in the way of protocol: Unlike divorces, regular breakups involving unmarried couples aren\u2019t governed by family law<\/a>, so exes have fewer apparent ways to settle arguments over who paid for what. Civil court can be an option, but informal IOUs don\u2019t always hold up \u2014 and the associated legal fees may not be worth the battle. (Of course, as any fan of Judge Mathis<\/a> knows, financial disputes between former romantic partners are quite common in small-claims courts.)<\/p>\n Below, four women share their own experiences of owing (or being owed) money after a breakup, how they handled the debt, and what they wish they\u2019d known before the Venmo requests began.\u00a0<\/p>\n I met my boyfriend about ten years ago, and over the course of our relationship, his business became increasingly successful. We were traveling nonstop, living in multiple residences, mostly in Europe. I had a really great job working in social-media management when we first got together. But once we started traveling so much, he asked me if I wanted to quit and he would support me. He offered me an allowance of about $4,000 a month, plus the use of a credit card. I said \u201cyes\u201d because the company where I was working had become very toxic.<\/p>\n There\u2019s this stay-at-home girlfriend, trophy-wife dream that you\u2019re sold, and it felt like I\u2019d achieved that. Of course, my dumb ass never thought of how that could turn out badly. I thought it was love. He was always clear that if we ever broke up, he\u2019d make sure that I had some money, too. I wouldn\u2019t just be left hanging with nothing after I\u2019d quit my job to be with him.<\/p>\n You\u2019d think I could have saved money in this situation, but the $4,000 a month went surprisingly fast. It costs a lot to hang out with rich people. They always want to eat at expensive restaurants that I\u2019d never go to in my regular life and have multiday theme parties that require all these different outfits. You waste so much money.<\/p>\n Soon, things started going south. I checked my boyfriend\u2019s phone one night and found out that he was talking to a really young girl on Instagram. We had one big blowout fight and after that he was like, \u201cI\u2019m done.\u201d He sent me an email about our breakup deal \u2014\u00a0it was basically my severance package. He said he would pay out my allowance for three more months and give me $250,000. Which sounds pretty great, except he never paid me the $250,000.<\/p>\n I moved back into my parents\u2019 house in Canada in the middle of nowhere. I felt like an alien. I understand why people get trapped in these relationships because they get used to a lifestyle. They can no longer imagine living without what they have. And I certainly felt that way. I mean, I didn\u2019t grow up with much. I had worked in factories and at McDonald\u2019s. I really didn\u2019t want to go back to that.<\/p>\n Very luckily, I was able to get a new job with my old company. Still, I couldn\u2019t let it go \u2014 like, how am I going to get the money that was promised to me? My ex wouldn\u2019t answer my calls and didn\u2019t want to be in contact. But he also kept telling people that we were still together. It was very confusing.<\/p>\n Eventually, I called a friend of mine who\u2019s a psychologist, and he helped me compose a diplomatic email to my ex. And that actually did work: He sent me a quarter of the money. Then we kept in touch, and a few months later, he gave me the second quarter of it. He was kind of stringing me along, but also, I missed him. We met up in person a few times and hooked up. But I knew I couldn\u2019t trust him.<\/p>\n At one point, we got into a huge argument. He was drunk, and I was so angry at him. I screamed at him, \u201cYou don\u2019t keep your promises! You never even gave me the money that you offered.\u201d And he drunkenly transferred me all the rest of the money in the middle of that fight, right then. It would have been a relief if it wasn\u2019t such an awful moment.<\/p>\n From time to time, he now asks me to give it back. I think he feels entitled to it because we still travel together occasionally. In fact, we got back together for a bit and then never officially broke up. I\u2019ve used most of the money to set up an entirely new life \u2014\u00a0move to a new city, get a new apartment, rebuild my career. I have about $100,000 left at this point, about three years later.<\/p>\n I know it was dumb, but I lent my then-boyfriend \u2014\u00a0now my ex \u2014 $5,000 to buy a new car. His old car had just broken down, and he\u2019d gotten a great new job that required him to be in the office, starting right away. Lending him the money was my idea. He told me he\u2019d pay it back in installments, $1,000 a month, once he got his new paycheck.<\/p>\n He was a trustworthy guy, or so I thought. I really wanted to help him out. He\u2019d had a bad run of luck:\u00a0His mom was sick, he\u2019d gotten laid off, and he just couldn\u2019t catch a break. We\u2019d been together for two years and we were talking about moving in together.<\/p>\n The $5,000 was from my savings account \u2014\u00a0in fact, it was most of my savings \u2014\u00a0and I banked on him paying it back pretty quickly. But then, a month later, I caught him texting with an old flame. He swore it wasn\u2019t anything serious, and at first I believed him. But then he did it again, and I could tell from their messages that they\u2019d met up in person. I was devastated.<\/p>\n We broke up, and he said that he would still pay me back. He\u2019d paid me the first month already, and I still have his texts to me saying that he\u2019d continue with the planned installments. But then he didn\u2019t pay the second month. He had excuses: He said his mom needed money for medication, which she probably did. Another month went by. I really didn\u2019t want to deal with him anymore. So, finally, I threatened to take him to small-claims court. I think he thought I wouldn\u2019t actually follow through with it. I\u2019m a teacher, and I didn\u2019t want to have a public court record \u2014\u00a0it\u2019s embarrassing, and I didn\u2019t want it coming up if someone Googled me. But finally a couple of friends came over with a bottle of wine and helped me fill out the paperwork to file a claim. They still call me Judge Judy because of it.<\/p>\n Luckily, we didn\u2019t actually have to go to court. Once my ex got notice of the claim, he started paying me back. He still hasn\u2019t paid all of it, or even in the amounts that he promised \u2014\u00a0it\u2019s $400 here, $600 there \u2014\u00a0but he\u2019s been Venmo-ing me every month. He still owes about $1,500. I\u2019m annoyed, but I also feel like I dodged a bullet. I mean, what if I had kids with him or something? What if we\u2019d actually moved in together? $5,000 is a lot to me, but it could have been so much worse. I don\u2019t want to say that I learned a lesson;\u00a0I hope to find a guy who I can share finances with someday. But it sucks that I trusted him and it blew up in my face.<\/p>\n I have outstanding Venmo requests that my ex hasn\u2019t responded to for over a year. He owes me about $1,000 total. It\u2019s not going to ruin my life if he doesn\u2019t pay me back, but I\u2019m annoyed that he\u2019s ignoring it. He reaches out to me and acts like things are normal, as if there isn\u2019t this outstanding debt.<\/p>\n We were together for over four years when I lived in San Francisco, and we were friends for several years before that. So we have a lot of shared history. During the pandemic, we wanted to move in together, and that\u2019s when mortgage rates were incredibly low. He was like, \u201cWhy don\u2019t we just buy a house?\u201d And once he got that in his head \u2014\u00a0this milestone of being a homeowner \u2014 he wouldn\u2019t let it go.<\/p>\n At the same time, I was working at a company that got acquired, so I got a lump sum of cash. That put me in a position where I actually could afford a down payment on a house. My mother definitely thought it was a bad idea. We weren\u2019t married, and we didn\u2019t plan to get married anytime soon.<\/p>\n My ex was incredibly successful financially. He worked in tech, and he never spent aggressively. So he definitely had the means to buy a house with or without me. Eventually, we found a place that we really liked, so we bought it together, put the deed in both our names, and split everything 50-50. When we went through the mortgage process, the bank looked at his financials and told him, \u201cOh, you don\u2019t even need another person on this mortgage.\u201d They barely even looked at my paperwork because of how good his was. But we split it anyway. The house was $1.25 million. We each paid half of the down payment, which was $115,000. And then we split the mortgage, which was $8,000 a month.<\/p>\n My ex was incredibly resistant to change and confrontation. We were in couples therapy for a while. Finally, I realized that certain issues would always be there, and if I stayed in the relationship, it wouldn\u2019t make me happy. But then I had to figure out how to get out of it. Owning a house with him made that significantly more complicated.<\/p>\n When we broke up, we\u2019d owned the house for two years. I was like, \u201cOkay, here\u2019s the deal. I\u2019m going to do a sublet in New York for a month, and I\u2019ll give you some space. And then, when I come back, we can get ready to sell the house.\u201dHe said he could make that timeline work.<\/p>\n Of course, when I came back, he still wasn\u2019t ready to leave. I offered to help him pack.I offered to help him find a new apartment. I\u2019d been paying my half of the mortgage while also paying for a sublet in New York, so I was losing patience. Finally, he showed me all this math he had done in a spreadsheet and was like, \u201cThis is how much money we\u2019re going to lose if we sell our house right now. I think we need to wait until it\u2019s a better time to sell.\u201d<\/p>\n I stayed in New York, and he stayed in the house. Once he finally agreed that it was a good time to sell, I did all the work of getting the house prepared. I hired the landscapers, the painters, the flooring people. My ex and I had a shared bank account where we would put our money in for the mortgage and pay for other shared costs, but sometimes he would forget to put his share of the money in, so I would cover it and send him a Venmo request. And there\u2019s still two outstanding things adding up to $1,000. You can only remind someone to pay you one time and then the request just sits there.<\/p>\n He reached out about something recently, and I was like, \u201cWhile I have you \u2026\u201d and I sent a screenshot of the Venmo requests. And then he just stopped responding.<\/p>\n Then, two weeks later, at 2 a.m. his time, he sent me a playlist on Spotify with no context, a bunch of love songs. I didn\u2019t respond. Then he sent me another song a week later that reminded him of a concert we went to. Again, I didn\u2019t respond. Then, he sent me a picture of a piece of mail addressed to me that got delivered to his new apartment. It was very clearly junk mail, but he was like, \u201cDo you need this?\u201d And I was like, \u201cNo, throw it away.\u201d And then he was like, \u201cOh, hey, how are you?\u201d And I was like, \u201cListen, I\u2019m not trying to be rude.I don\u2019t like ignoring you. But I did send you a text message asking if you\u2019re going to pay me back, which you ignored, and then you continued the conversation when it was convenient for you.\u201d Which is always what he does.<\/p>\n He scrambled and was like, \u201cOh my gosh, sorry, it\u2019s my ADHD, I totally meant to go look at our Excel spreadsheet to make sure the calculations were right.\u201d But that was 22 weeks ago at this point. This man still has not gotten back to me.<\/p>\n Throughout my life, I\u2019ve worked for different arts organizations and theater companies. I\u2019m also an actor and a playwright. I\u2019m proud of my work, but it\u2019s challenging financially. I\u2019ve been on food stamps and Medicaid. I need social services to cover my basic necessities. I recently got a grant to help pay my utility bills. It\u2019s always been challenging to be an arts worker, but especially in the past couple of years, there\u2019s been a lot of cuts to arts funding.<\/p>\n I met my ex about three years ago and we really hit it off. I was ready for a serious relationship. From the jump, he was very much like, \u201cOh, just let me take care of everything.\u201d He made so much more money than me that it was hard to say \u201cno.\u201d He was asking me out for dinner and taking me to events and things that I wouldn\u2019t be able to afford on my own. I met some of his friends and they were like, \u201cJust let him do it. He\u2019s rich.\u201dIt felt nice to be wined and dined, but it also made me a little uncomfortable. I\u2019m not from a background where I\u2019ve met a lot of rich people \u2014\u00a0if anything, it\u2019s always been the opposite. But he seemed to really respect my work and want to be supportive of it.<\/p>\n A few months into dating, my rent went up and I had to move. He offered to help me, and I was like, \u201cOh, sure,\u201d thinking that he\u2019d help me pack boxes and carry stuff. But then it turned out he was offering to help pay for movers. That made me realize that he lived in a different kind of reality. I\u2019ve helped a lot of friends move. I think it\u2019s normal to put in some elbow grease to help people you care about. But he wasn\u2019t actually going to put in elbow grease \u2014\u00a0he was going to pay someone else to do it for him. I declined.<\/p>\n About a year and a half into the relationship, a couple of my contracts dried up. I was also dealing with an ill parent, and that required some unexpected travel. I was really stressed about my finances, taking on extra gigs wherever I could. And that\u2019s when he was like, \u201cIf you need help with your bills or rent or anything, just let me know.\u201d Finally, I took him up on the offer. He paid for a full month of my rent \u2014\u00a0which was cheap, under $1,000,\u00a0but still, that was a huge weight off my shoulders. And he said, \u201cYou don\u2019t have to worry about paying me back. It\u2019s all good.\u201d<\/p>\n At that point, he had also bought a house and invited me to move in with him. But the house was outside of the city, and I don\u2019t have a car. He offered to get me a car, but I said \u201cno.\u201d He also offered to put me on the deed of his house, and I was like, \u201cDon\u2019t do that. I have student loans and we haven\u2019t been together that long \u2014\u00a0this is kind of fast for me.\u201d Everyone in my family was like, \u201cHe sounds like a keeper!\u201d And I was impressed that he was making his intentions known. But I also didn\u2019t want to move.<\/p>\n A few months later, I was still struggling. I didn\u2019t want him to pay my rent again, but he kept offering. Finally I agreed to let him pay for half. Then a similar situation happened a few months later. And again. He gave it all freely and said it wasn\u2019t a big deal, but to me, it was a lot of money. I didn\u2019t want to rely on him, but I was living under the poverty line and he was making over six figures. I realized that I really needed to find a pathway out of this trap that I\u2019d gotten into. I applied and got into a teacher training program that would give me my master\u2019s degree in education, fully funded, along with a small stipend.<\/p>\n At the same time, we started having some conflicts. If I ever had a concern about something, he would get defensive and behave in a sort of entitled way. Like, \u201cOh, I take care of you, I look after you, and you\u2019re going to be upset about this little thing?\u201d He seemed to feel like I didn\u2019t have a right to be concerned about anything.<\/p>\n Around that time, a play I wrote got production funding, so I got a space to perform it. The venue was outside of the city, so my ex gave me a ride and helped me set up. But the whole time, he seemed really grumpy about it and was rude to some of the other volunteers. When we got in the car afterward, I was like, \u201cAre you okay?\u201d And he got extremely defensive. He was like, \u201cWhy do you care so much about these volunteers? You don\u2019t even know them. Don\u2019t you see I\u2019m doing so much for you?\u201d And then he started bringing up the money. Like, \u201cI just paid your rent for you. You don\u2019t appreciate me.\u201d It was late at night, and he was driving, and I was starting to get scared. So I just tried to de-escalate. I was like, \u201cI\u2019m sorry. I appreciate you, I really do. Can you please just pull over?\u201d I was crying. And that\u2019s when he broke up with me. He was like, \u201cI guess you\u2019re going to say that we\u2019re never going to come back from this.\u201d And I was like, \u201cYeah.\u201d A friend came and picked me up and got all my stuff at two o\u2019clock in the morning.<\/p>\n In the days after, he was texting me all the time, calling me names, harassing me. He wanted us to get back together. It was just not healthy. That\u2019s when he told his family that he\u2019d been supporting me financially and that I\u2019d emotionally manipulated him. They accused me of financial abuse. And I was so upset about it that I told him I would pay him back. I don\u2019t want this karmic weight on me, feeling like I just took this money.<\/p>\n If I ever knew things would go this way \u2014 that it would create this power imbalance where he would feel like he could treat me however he wanted because of his financial situation \u2014\u00a0I never would have agreed to his help. I would have figured out another way, like I always have before.<\/p>\n I can\u2019t afford to pay him back now. I told him that as soon as I could, I would. I have no idea when that will be, and I feel really conflicted about it. I really don\u2019t want this money between us, hanging over my head. Overall, it\u2019s more than $4,000. To me, that\u2019s so much money, but to him, it\u2019s not. Sometimes, I\u2019m like, Is this a fair exchange?<\/p>\n Email your money conundrums to\u00a0mytwocents@nymag.com<\/a> (and read our submission terms here<\/a>.)<\/p>\n