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My Two Cents<\/a><\/p>\n \n Personal-finance columnist Charlotte Cowles asks the nosy, revealing, sometimes uncomfortable questions about money so you don\u2019t have to.\n <\/p>\n \n Photo-Illustration: by The Cut; Photo: Getty Images\n <\/p>\n A third of adults under 35<\/a> are living at home with their parents, a growing trend<\/a> that reflects the bleak housing market<\/a> and rising cost of living<\/a>. But contrary to popular sentiment, they aren\u2019t all 20-somethings freeloading off Mom and Dad.\u00a0More than 70 percent of young adults<\/a> who live with their parents contribute to household costs, and in some cases, they\u2019re actually the breadwinners. \u201cThere\u2019s this perception that if you\u2019re approaching 30 and living with your parents, you\u2019re just doing it to save money,\u201d says one woman I spoke to. (At 25, she still sleeps in her childhood bedroom and contributes at least $2,500 a month to her parents\u2019 household costs \u2014 help they very much need.) \u201cIn my case, that couldn\u2019t be further from the truth. I just have to smile and nod.\u201d<\/p>\n Below, three adults who live with \u2014 and financially support \u2014 their parents share the frustrations, rewards, and surprising perks (free laundry!) of their roommate situation.<\/p>\n My family is from Mexico, and my parents moved to California right before I was born. When I was growing up, they worked multiple jobs to support my siblings and me and send money back home to their relatives. I was taught that you take care of your family, especially your elders.<\/p>\n I have always lived with my parents. When I was in school, it was great \u2014 I didn\u2019t have to pay rent, though I did help with the bills, usually a few hundred dollars a month. I was expected to contribute to the household pretty early on, around age 16. I think I gave half of whatever I earned to my parents and kept half for my own spending money. I worked all kinds of jobs: fast-food restaurants, retail. Then I majored in accounting at a local college and got a job at a health-care company. I\u2019ve worked there for about five years now. I make more money than anyone in my family ever has: about $80,000 a year.<\/p>\n After I got the job at my current company, I started taking care of more household bills. Now, I pay my parents\u2019 mortgage and property taxes, about $2,000 a month. That coincided with my dad having some health problems and going on disability two years ago. My mom is still working but only part time.<\/p>\n Even though I pay a big portion of our bills, it was hard to get my parents to open up to me about their finances. They\u2019re not secretive, exactly, but they\u2019re very traditional. I don\u2019t think they even talk to each other about money. I wasn\u2019t super-surprised that they didn\u2019t have a retirement plan, but I didn\u2019t know how unprepared they were until my dad got sick. They don\u2019t have much savings, and while their house is almost paid off, it\u2019s not like they could sell it. They\u2019d still need a place to live, and it would be hard to find something comparable that they can afford. Also, their community is here, their church is here, their doctors are here. So I\u2019m basically paying all their housing costs, which are also my housing costs. I can\u2019t afford to move out and still pay their mortgage, so it is what it is. Maybe when the house is paid off in about four years, I could move out, but I\u2019ll probably still need to help them financially. Both of my younger siblings are in the military, so they\u2019re not really in a position to help at this point.<\/p>\n As far as roommates go, my parents are pretty good. Sometimes, I wish I could just come home at the end of the day and have a glass of wine and decompress by myself, in my own space, like a normal adult. I watch all these TikToks where women in their 20s come home from work to their clean apartments and make dinner in their own kitchens, and it looks so glamorous \u2014 I come home and my parents are eating dinner on the couch. And it\u2019s hard to date. If I go out with my friends, I\u2019ll usually spend the night at one of their houses so I don\u2019t come home late and get an earful of questions about where I was and what I was doing.<\/p>\n I try not to get too down about it. Right now, financially, this is what\u2019s best for everyone. I\u2019m proud to be helping my parents, but I don\u2019t want to put my own kids in this position someday. I\u2019m putting money in my own 401(k) already, and I try to save. I\u2019m definitely not living a super-adventurous, fun life in my 20s, but that\u2019s okay. I mean, I\u2019m an accountant, you know? I would like to have a family of my own someday, and sometimes I worry that living with my parents is making it harder to find someone to do that with. But I should probably put myself out there more, too.<\/p>\n I moved back in with my mom two years ago after I got divorced and my dad died suddenly.\u00a0At first, there were a lot of nights when we both hit the wine a little too hard together, feeling sorry for ourselves. I\u2019m so lucky I had her to lean on. She was really supportive of me leaving my marriage and welcomed me home with open arms.<\/p>\n For some reason, my dad didn\u2019t have life insurance. Or maybe he did and the payout was really small. For whatever reason, his death left my mom financially unstable. She was a stay-at-home mom for my siblings and me, so it\u2019s not like she could just up and get a job. My dad owned his own business, which had been suffering since the pandemic. He had retirement savings, but it\u2019s not enough for my mom to live on for the rest of her life. My dad clearly anticipated he\u2019d be working for another decade at least. And my mom didn\u2019t know a lot about their finances, period. Soon after I moved in, I realized she needed my help if she was going to stay in her house. My parents bought the home in 2021, when mortgage rates were really low.<\/p>\n I work in marketing, and my job is remote. I was used to living in a two-income household while I was married, and now I\u2019m living in a one-income household with my mom. It\u2019s not ideal, but I\u2019m glad I can help her. I\u2019m just not sure where the off-ramp is. Like, if I move out, what will she do? My brothers are both pretty distant, with their own families and their own lives, and I don\u2019t think they know about our mom\u2019s financial situation. She\u2019s been too proud to tell them, and I don\u2019t think she wants them to worry. Maybe at some point, she could sell the house, but there\u2019s still a lot of years left on the mortgage and the rate is so low it\u2019s hard to see how that would make sense.<\/p>\n Right now, I contribute about $3,000 a month toward my mom\u2019s living expenses, including utilities and groceries. My mom definitely feels bad that I\u2019m financially taking care of her. As a result, she does a lot of momlike stuff for me:\u00a0She makes my bed, cleans the house, does most of the cooking and grocery shopping. It\u2019s nice, and I\u2019m grateful but sometimes it feels regressive, like I\u2019m home from college or something. Occasionally, it feels intrusive. Sometimes, I\u2019ll be on a Zoom call for work and she\u2019ll come into my room to get my dirty laundry. Either way, I don\u2019t think either of us wants to be in this position. Just a few years ago, I was a fully launched adult with a spouse and a nice apartment and a life of my own. Now I feel like we\u2019re turning into some weird version of Grey Gardens. I don\u2019t miss my ex-husband, but I do miss my independent life. I\u2019m not dating at the moment, but if I ever do, I\u2019m not sure how I\u2019d even manage the question of my mom.<\/p>\n My fianc\u00e9 and I would love to get married and move in together, but both of us currently live with our respective parents and help support their households. A big part of it is cultural. Our parents are immigrants, and they come from cultures where children are expected to take care of their parents as they age. But that system only works if the cost of living is low enough for their children to be able to do that and support themselves, too. Right now, where we live, it\u2019s not.<\/p>\n I met my fianc\u00e9 at work. I\u2019m a nurse practitioner, and he\u2019s a radiology technician. We\u2019d love to save up for a big wedding and a house \u2014 you know, the American Dream. But right now, it\u2019s hard to pay our student loans and help our parents with their bills.<\/p>\n I have a younger sibling who\u2019s still in high school and also lives with my parents and me. I\u2019m hoping that after she graduates, maybe my parents can sell their house and downsize and both my sister and I can move out. But that\u2019s at least two years off, if not significantly longer. There\u2019s also a chance my parents might need to live with one of us. My fianc\u00e9 is in a different position; his parents will probably need some financial support here and there, but they\u2019re in better shape than my family.<\/p>\n I\u2019m trying to be patient. My fianc\u00e9 is really into personal finance and always listens to podcasts and sends me stuff. He\u2019s looking into side hustles and does DoorDash delivery to make extra money. He says we\u2019re first-generation wealth builders. Which sounds nice, but sometimes I\u2019m like, \u201cWhere\u2019s the wealth? It\u2019s all going to our families\u2019 utility bills!\u201d I\u2019m grateful for all the opportunities my parents gave us, but it\u2019s hard not to compare myself to other people my age who are having these big weddings and starting families already.<\/p>\n It\u2019s also hard for my fianc\u00e9 and me to spend time together. We see each other at work, obviously, but that\u2019s not the same. Luckily, my parents really like him, so we do spend a lot of time at my house. But it\u2019s hard to be romantic when your whole family\u2019s on the other side of the wall, you know?<\/p>\n Email your money conundrums to\u00a0mytwocents@nymag.com<\/a> (and read our submission terms here<\/a>.)<\/p>\n