No parent is responsible for their son’s crimes, never has been, never will be.
And for that reason, the vitriol unleashed at Jo and Stephen Silvagni after their 23-year-old son Tom’s conviction for rape must be wholeheartedly condemned.
The false and toxic talk I’ve seen from women – some of them mothers of sons – speculating about the sort of childhood that might have moulded Tom into the man he became is inexcusable.
Men from good families, instilled with good values, can hurt women. In fact, it happens all the time, and it’s not a reflection of their mothers and fathers.
You’d be a fool for thinking only ‘bad guys’ from dysfunctional families end up as rapists or wife-beaters. You’d be equally foolish to assume that every ‘rich boy’ jailed for sexual assault did it out of some sense of entitlement born from privilege.
We can wonder all day how a young man with every opportunity in life – his dad a Carlton football legend, his mother a game show compère and infomercial queen – took the path he did, but it’s ultimately a pointless endeavour.
Only Tom knows why he did it – and for now, he’s maintaining his innocence.
Before I get to my point, let’s get the facts straight:Â last week, a jury in the County Court of Victoria found Tom Silvagni guilty of two counts of rape.
One thing that has deeply unsettled me is the way Jo Silvagni (left) has appeared to conduct herself since her son Tom’s (centre) verdict. (Right: defence lawyer James Anderson)
The family name of Silvagni, once lauded in Melbourne’s elite suburbs, has been sullied. (Stephen Silvagni – better known to Carlton fans as SOS, or ‘Son of Serge’, a reference to his club legend father Sergio – is pictured with wife Jo at the 2014 Brownlow Medal in Melbourne)
Jo, I urge you to see the facts for what they are. You can stand by your son while publicly accepting he has done wrong. (Above: Tom Silvagni’s court sketch)
He was found to have deceptively digitally raped a young woman in a bedroom of his family’s former Balwyn North mansion by pretending to be his mate – the girl’s casual intimate partner at the time. Twice.
He has been sentenced to six years and two months in prison with a non-parole period of three years and three months.
The family name of Silvagni, once lauded in Melbourne’s elite suburbs, has been sullied. They have sold up, fleeing to Queensland – where they no doubt hope to escape the whispers of neighbours.
But it is not merely the facts of the case that have shaken me this week.
One thing that has deeply unsettled me is the way Jo Silvagni has appeared to conduct herself since the verdict.
While there’s no instruction manual for how a woman should behave after her adult son is convicted of rape, I found Jo’s public actions disappointing, to say the least.
And I’m not the only one thinking it. My friends are saying the same thing –Â they’ve told me. Their thoughts are echoed on social media and in comments sections.Â
Jo, if you’re reading this: I had your back at the start. I had so much compassion for you. What mother wants to believe her own flesh and blood is capable of such a crime?
Jo Silvagni, then known as Jo Bailey, is pictured with Sale of the Century host Glenn Ridge (left)
Jo lashed out at a Sky News Australia reporter outside court
I saw the pain etched on your face, saw how it aged you. I imagined I’d look the same way if I was in your shoes.
But then things changed for me.
Various news outlets reported that Jo was not physically present in court for the victim’s powerful pre-sentencing statement.
Instead, onlookers saw her enter the courtroom afterwards, make her way to the front, and proceed to stare at the young victim.
Remember: this woman was twice violated by Jo’s son in a bedroom of the Silvagni home, only for Tom to then request a hug, like it was all fine.
I won’t rush to judgement here. Perhaps Jo had an innocent explanation for missing the victim’s statement. Perhaps her stare – characterised by some as a ‘glare’ – was misinterpreted. I expect many eyes were on the victim as the sentence was read out.
But I felt discomfort nonetheless – a feeling that only deepened when I saw Jo’s fiery exchange with Sky News reporter Georgie Dickerson outside court.
She scowled and told her to ‘go away… do your job’ – which incidentally is precisely what she was doing.
Jo, what were you thinking?
Now speculation turns to what decision-makers at Chemist Warehouse – for whom Jo has been a loyal spokesperson for years – must be thinking.
To be clear: I’m not saying that having a son convicted of rape makes Jo unfit to front a campaign.
The point I’m making is that big brands often weigh optics heavily – and they are known to move quickly to put distance between their products and any controversy.
Now speculation turns to what decision-makers at Chemist Warehouse – for whom Jo has been a loyal spokesperson for years – must be thinking
‘If my son were found guilty of a crime like this, I’d stand by his side for eternity. But do you know what I’d also do? I’d accept he’d done something awful and I’d support him in trying to make amends,’ writes Amanda Goff
You used to be Jo Bailey – friendly, warm, genuine. Friends remember you as the archetypal ‘boy mum’ at footy games.
Now, to some, your apparent blind faith in your son leaves a bitter taste.
They sense, whether rightly or wrongly, an unwillingness to comprehend Tom’s capacity for harm – simply because he is your son.
But every male rapist is a woman’s son.
Jo – from one mother of a son to another – I urge you to see the facts for what they are. You can still stand by him while publicly accepting he has done wrong.
If my son were found guilty of a crime like this, you’d better believe I’d be standing by his side for eternity. But do you know what I’d also do? I’d accept he’d done something awful and I’d support him in trying to make amends.
I’d say I love him but believe her.
Jo Silvagni’s perceived reaction to her son’s crime has become the headline. It didn’t have to be this way.
Yes, her grief must be overwhelming, her shame and shock palpable. No parent imagines a future for their child in prison overalls.
But instead of standing beside her husband outside court as he voiced his disappointment with the verdict, many women – myself included – believe she should have expressed disappointment in the crime itself.
Had she said, ‘I love him, and I’m so sorry for what he did,’ we would have collectively wrapped our arms around her.
There’s still time to turn things around. Accountability doesn’t erase love. In moments like these, the most important thing is the truth.
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