Anniki thought she was modern after using her phone to communicate, but there’s modernised WhatsApp rules that she needed to know
I like to think I’m cool. I am not. I am “delulu” as my tween daughter would say. She rolls her eyes when I play Lily Allen’s latest album, trying to memorise the lyrics – lyrics which are definitely not appropriate for a 12 year old but that’s a different story. “You’re so embarrassing!” she sighs as I look up an Instagram tutorial on how to ‘shuffle’ (there’s a whole account teaching midlife women how to do this dance, which thankfully means I’m not alone).
But, it isn’t these crimes – or the giant bags under my eyes – that give away my age the most. It is the way I communicate. Specifically on WhatsApp.
Until recently, I wasn’t aware that there was such a seismic gap between how my tween texts and how I text. I thought I was modern simply because I was using my mobile to communicate versus speaking face to face. But I was wrong.
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According to my tween here’s all the things that are not cool AT ALL to do on this platform (calling it a “platform” would be one). If you’re doing any of them – you better desist. Unless you don’t care, in which case, why are you reading this?
1. Using full sentences
Typing out a text as if it’s an actual letter and using full sentences with full stops, commas etc. This is a big difference I’ve noticed between me as a Gen X dinosaur versus the younger generation. My daughter tends to type one word messages to her friends, and they send one word responses back.
They expect immediate responses too, which is why they just type HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY a million times until they get a text back.
In contrast, I make myself a nice cup of Earl Grey, sit down at the kitchen table, and ‘compose’ a message like a twerp with a frilly shirt from a period drama, quill pen in hand: “Dear Beloved. I would love to attend your drinks soiree next week. Would you please inform me if there is a dress code for the evening and send me the exact Google map directions? Finally, let me know who else is in attendance so I can cancel if there is someone coming that I have written about and now hates me. Can’t wait to see you! Yours affectionately – Anniki :)”
2. Using emojis
I like to sign off with a little 🙂 in most of my communications. A kiss is too much but I don’t want to come across as a cold-hearted bitch. The world is a horrible place so I figure a little smiley face makes it feel a bit less so. But now apparently no one uses emojis (unless they are very niche ones that only your friends understand and change daily in terms of whether they’re OK or super naff).
“Mum NOBODY uses the smiley face emoji,” my daughter said recently looking over my shoulder. “What about the thumbs up?” (Confession: I also use this a lot). “That’s aggressive,” she replied, “Really old fogey too.” Apparently – she says – because I am 52, I should not be using any emojis.
When I check my daughter’s messages (she’s 12, so I check regularly), I think all the kids sound rude with zero empathy. There is no, “How are you doing?” No kisses. It’s hard and to the point. I find it a bit depressing. Perhaps they don’t have to be desperate for people to like them – like I am.
3. Sending podcast-length voice notes
You know the long and meandering voice notes where you make cups of tea/feed the cat/go to the shop/get on a bus and carry on talking but nobody can decipher what it is you’re saying? Those.
I’m actually with the kids on this one. I love a good voice note if it’s punchy, and entertaining. I don’t like long ones though as it assumes I have seven minutes to sit down and listen to it all. Not only is it boring, but according to my Gen Alpha daughter, it’s also not cool.
She only leaves very short ones – just like her texts. Think about who is receiving it. Will they be rolling their eyes whilst they play it to their friend, complaining about how your message has no point and is incomprehensible because you put the coffee machine on whilst speaking?
4. Trying to seem like a young person
In secondary school, we had a supply teacher who used to come into the classroom with the greeting: “Yeah Boi!!” (In the style of a hip-hop battle compere.) We used to roll our eyes, of course, and then one day Tamsin Johnson chopped his tie right off with a pair of scissors (it had musical notes on it if I remember correctly). Oh, how we laughed! That old uncool fool.
There is actually nothing worse than trying to use abbreviations or acronyms that are not from your generation. If your tween messages you “K” then don’t reply with “K” (this is shorthand for OK but you can’t even be arsed to type one extra letter).
Specifically don’t use the words: “leng”, “6/7”, “slay”, “rizz”, “skibidi”, “sigma”, or “sus”. Basically, if you have to Google the word first, don’t use it.
5. Replying to everyone
So this is a biggie. When one person on the school WhatsApp says something like, “Does anyone have Miles’s school cardigan?” and then every single parent on the WhatsApp replies with, “Not me”, and the next “Not me’”, so then there are then 40 “Not mes” and you want to chop your own head off.
I showed my daughter this, and she said it was no wonder that I was always in such a bad mood and didn’t want to buy her Matcha tea when we were out. Just reply if you have the cardigan.
I think this is the biggest thing I’ve noticed about communication between the generations. The older generation feel that it’s about quantity and thoroughness. They care and put thought into the way they speak online. The younger generation are moving to a style which requires less effort.
Annie Auerbach, author and co-founder of the insights and trends agency Starling, tells me: “Gen X women grew up having longer, heartfelt, meandering conversations with our friends on landlines. We’re trying to emulate the interactions of our youth. We translate that onto WhatsApp and end up writing longer texts and injecting emotion through emojis and GIFs.
“Leaving long voice notes is a digital echo of those landline conversations. Gen Alpha are different in that they’re in constant low level contact on platforms like Snapchat. Like a form of digital telepathy and don’t feel the need to write long messages and over-punctuate with emotions and emojis. Their favourite word is low-key and this describes their communication style too.”
So I guess it’s worth remembering that we are different. That it’s fine to communicate in different ways online, too – as long as you’re not trying to be something you’re not. And if anyone knows what this “6-7” thing is all about, please tell me. I promise not to use it on any WhatsApps.
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