Why so many midlife Kiwi women feel ‘broken’ when it comes to sex – and what we can do about it

Low sexual desire is one of the most commonly reported issues when it comes to sexual functioning for women, and mismatched desire is a leading source of conflict in long-term relationships. To understand this, we need to take a closer look at how women experience desire.

There are two main ways. Spontaneous desire is when you feel “in the mood” (or horny, in other words) for no particular reason. Responsive desire happens in response to something, maybe a kiss, an affectionate touch or reading a spicy book.

While 75% of men primarily experience spontaneous desire, women are the opposite – with 70% of women hardly ever experiencing it, instead experiencing responsive desire. That’s right, it’s normal that women don’t often just feel “in the mood” and are therefore less likely to initiate sex. But we don’t talk about this, and that leaves many women worrying there’s something wrong with them, or that they are “broken”. The good news is, there is nothing wrong with you, at all.

Once we understand that responsive desire is completely normal, the conversation changes. Instead of guilt or self-blame, we can ask, “Okay, what helps me to feel in the mood? What do I need from my partner, my environment or myself to experience more pleasure?”

Stop and go signs

However, desire is more complex than spontaneous vs responsive; it’s also shaped by what’s going on around you. As American sex researcher Emily Nagoski puts it, our sexual desire has accelerators and brakes. Sexual accelerators are the things that help us feel in the mood and move towards intimacy. Brakes are what hold us back.

At any moment, you might notice both at play. The accelerators could be as simple as, “Oh, he looks so good in that shirt; he smells amazing; I like when he touches my arm like that…” – you get the picture.

At the same time, your brakes might be saying, “The kids will be home soon; I’ve got so much to do, I feel bloated, my hair looks gross, I’m exhausted…” For women especially, brakes can be overpowering, meaning it can take more attention on accelerators to get past those brakes and into intimacy.

Once we recognise what our brakes and accelerators are, we can start to address them.

Think back to recent times of sexual intimacy (or almost intimacy) and what was acting as a brake and what the accelerators were. Once you’ve repeated this exercise a few times, you’ll start to see common patterns and be able to work with your partner to foster an environment that reduces the brakes and amplifies the accelerators.

Body confidence is holding us back

Body image is one of the biggest brakes for women. If you don’t feel good about your body it can be very hard to get out of your head and into the moment. Instead of feeling sexual, you may be thinking, “I don’t like my body; I don’t want him to see my body; He’ll think I’m unattractive.”

This can be such a big issue that it leads women to actively shy away from activities that lead to sexual intimacy, even in long-term committed relationships. This is often the case after having children or as our bodies change at different life stages such as perimenopause.

If body confidence is holding you back, take steps to focus on mindset and the things you love about yourself. Try upping your exercise to release endorphins, and it may help to honour yourself with daily positive affirmations – replacing any negative self-talk with positive. Then, find something that is going to help boost your sexual confidence, which might be a splurge on some sexy new lingerie or a pole dancing class.

Improving how you feel about yourself is one of the most important steps you can take in improving your sexuality.

Sexologist Rachel Strevens says women experience desire, arousal and orgasm very differently to men.

Rethinking intercourse to close the gap

Most of us have been sold a traditional (male) version of sexuality: a little foreplay to get the female partner “ready” for sex (penis-in-vagina intercourse), ending in male ejaculation. What’s glaringly obvious is that there’s no mention of female orgasm or mutual pleasure.

While this model may work for men – research shows that 95% of heterosexual men usually or always orgasm from sexual intimacy – that isn’t the case for women, with only 30% of us reliably reaching orgasm through penis-in-vagina sex, and most of us needing clitoral stimulation to get there. Even then, only around 65% of women usually reach orgasm from sex.

What does this tell us? That the sex we are having isn’t always doing it for us and we need more focus on the clitoris, please. It’s time to rethink the terms “foreplay” and “intercourse” and reframe them around mutual pleasure. Sexual intimacy does not have to finish with penis-in-vagina intercourse.

In coaching, I like to ask couples to each take a quiz about what they enjoy sexually and what they may be wanting or willing to try. This is a great way to open the doors to communication and start that exploration (and fun!). Another tip – next time you’re getting intimate, rather than following your usual pattern, slow down. Set time aside, make sure there are no distractions, and take turns to explore each other’s body, testing and teasing to see what you each enjoy. If you find it challenging to communicate with your partner at this level, working with a coach can help both partners to feel comfortable with being open, honest and receptive to feedback.

Exploration, experimentation, mutual pleasure and honesty about what we like and don’t like (no more faking orgasms) can open the door to sex that truly works for us – sex we’ll want more of. And as we know, that’s good for our health.

Bold conversations

For years I thought something was wrong with me when it came to sex. Now, as a sexologist, sex coach and educator, I know the truth: these struggles are common and they are not a sign that you’re broken. Low desire, trouble reaching orgasm, feeling self-conscious, never being in the mood – these are everyday experiences for so many women. The problem isn’t us. The problem is the silence.

That’s why I believe every woman, and every relationship, deserves to experience true passion and pleasure. When we replace shame with knowledge and open conversation, we make space for confidence, intimacy and wellbeing. These conversations aren’t always easy, but they are powerful and they can change lives. They’ve changed mine.

Sexologist, coach and educator Rachel Strevens works with women and couples to overcome challenges with desire, confidence and pleasure. Find out more at thepassionproject.co.nz or buy tickets to IGNITE: Passion and Pleasure, an event dedicated to women’s health, confidence and pleasure happening in October at girlsnightout.co.nz