6 min read
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FROM THE MYTH of hair springing from the palms of slack-jawed gooners to the cautionary tales told by the unmedicated adult men of the NoFap subreddit and standalone forum, masturbation and shame are believed to go hand-in-hand.
One of the other myths that has persisted is that a pre-game jerk renders society’s jocks impotent on the playing field. Buffalo Bills coach Marv Levy, was known for separating players from their partners prior to big games, while Mohammed Ali would practice week-long stretches of abstinence leading up to fights.
More recently, Jeff Cavaliere, the founder of ATHLEAN-X—which, if you couldn’t tell from the all-caps logo, is an extreme supplements brand—put out a video last year entitled “Masturbation is KILLING Your Gains.” In it, Cavaliere explains how masturbation releases 2-AG endocannabinoids, which can cause feelings of tranquility and relaxation, but also blunt pain. He argues that pushing through physical discomfort and pain can be beneficial for muscle hypertrophy.
On the other side of the spectrum, champion triathlete Bob Arnot famously spent the night before each race making sweet love to his wife. He must’ve been the exception to the rule, because the myth is so pervasive that it has stood the test of time and trickled down to the amateur level. Case in point: My strongest friend, Chris, whose views on rubbing one out as a pre-game ritual haven’t changed since high school. “I remember playing sports and being told to never jerk off before a game because it’ll take your edge off. I think this is some nonsense tale, but it’s always stuck with me,” he told me. “So no, I don’t whack it before the gym because of a dumb urban legend from 22 years ago.”
Scientists Take on a Sticky Myth
Recently, a study in Physiology & Behavior tested whether an orgasm induced by masturbation 30 minutes before exercise affects athletic performance in men. Researchers had 21 athletes complete strength and cycling tests under two conditions: after a week of abstaining from sexual activity and after masturbating shortly before the fitness test. They found that the athletes who had an orgasm actually performed slightly better, lasting a bit longer during the exercise test and showing a small increase in average handgrip strength. Their heart rate, testosterone, and cortisol were also temporarily higher.
Still, sexual health experts remain skeptical. “I shared this with my partners, and we all had a little laugh reading this study,” says Dr. Jamin Brahmbhatt, a urologist and sexual health expert at Orlando Health Medical Group Urology. “Our first thought was: Who orgasms and then wants to go work out?”
Even social media’s pack of problematic alpha males trying to biohack their bodies seems split. For as many looksmaxxers as there are willing to try anything in pursuit of selfie-ready muscles, there are just as many mouth-breathing alarmists warning of the testosterone-depleting effects of a pre-workout five-knuckle shuffle.
Despite trying my best to stay out of the general vicinity of the manosphere, I decided to put the findings of this study to the test with an experiment I’d been preparing for since 1997, when I found my mom’s Dressbarn catalog on the kitchen counter: I was going to be number test subject 22.
Before embarking on my soon-to-come experiment, I asked Dr. Brahmbatt about what I should expect. “The simple takeaway: Masturbation doesn’t hurt performance at the gym. The gym gains still happened,” he says. “If anything, there were small improvements in a couple of measures they tracked. The results were not groundbreaking in favor of or against working out after orgasm.”
Although my expectations were now lower than my erection, I still decided to shoot off—in the name of science.
Taking the Research Into My Own Hand
AS AN ELDER millennial, I regularly use wearables and apps to track my exercise and better understand my rapidly atrophying body. With the help of my Apple Watch and a gently-used Peloton, I was able to track my workout in a somewhat controlled setting.
To help me kick off this scientific sweat session, I turned to Adam Yauch, Michael Diamond, and Adam Horovitz via Peloton’s 30-minute Beastie Boys ride to serve as the ad-hoc litmus test to compare results. Two identical workouts: one 30 minutes after masturbating and one without the ménage à moi.
My hypothesis: The post-masturbation Beastie Boys ride will be the more successful of the two.
Indeed, for the workout that occurred 30 minutes after masturbating (a.k.a the “Wet Workout”), I burned more calories, pedaled faster, and ended up going a further distance. Ten points to Goon House!
Admittedly, I felt no physical difference between the two workouts; the high-intensity interval “Intergalactic” hill was just as strenuous during the Wet Workout as during the masturbation-free “Dry Workout.”
Overall, my output from the Dry Workout was 15 kJ lower than the Wet Workout, with an even smaller discrepancy in my average speed.
Test #1
Wet Workout Jeremy Glass
Dry WorkoutJeremy Glass
A few days later, I tried the experiment again. This time, with a more relaxed approach and Sam Yo’s 30-minute 80s ride. I did the dirty deed at 8:07 AM and jumped on the bike at 12:07 PM. No mechanical masturbation style or thirty-minute waiting period. I did my thing, took my time, and took a ride.
The next day, I woke up, made breakfast, did work, and worked out. No manhandling the ham candle. This time, the results were flipped. Post-masturbation workout: fewer calories burned, shorter distance covered, and a slower average speed. Masturbation-free workout: 3/10 further distance. Ten points subtracted from Goon House.
Test #2
Wet WorkoutJeremy Glass
Dry WorkoutJeremy Glass
This whole experiment proved something I assume everybody in the scientific community knows all too well: It’s hard to get the result you’re looking for twice. Three times, on the other hand? It was time for the Tiebreaker Tug. But first, I began with the Dry Workout to build some anticipation towards my final hog crank. Armed with Andy Speer’s 20-minute arms & shoulders workout, I withheld from my mid-morning crank sesh for one of two final pieces in a high-stakes, sticky puzzle.
The next day, I exercised my right as an American by masturbating (on the clock) in prep for another go at Andy Speer. From multi-thousand-dollar AI-enhanced sex dolls to high-powered blowjob machines to solid gold cock rings and enough fake asses to fill the Grand Canyon, there’s no shortage of fun ways to get off. This time, I brought out the big guns by digging out a masturbation aid with a 100-percent success rate: Monroe.
Test #3: The Tiebreaker Tug
Dry WorkoutJeremy Glass
Wet WorkoutJeremy Glass
I won’t get into the gritty details, but this 68.6-pound behemoth of silicone gets the job done. In the most titillating verdict since O.J. Simpson’s 2008 sports memorabilia robbery conviction, I can now attest to the power behind a pre-workout wank. I burned more calories from the Wet Workout, although it’s worth noting that my triceps and biceps expended less energy. From all the action my arms have seen over the last few weeks? Perhaps.
My Nobel Prize-Winning Conclusion
While my experiment lacked the true scientific method that people in lab coats stick to every day, it did prove that blowing your load won’t blow your game—but it’s unlikely to turn you into a super athlete either.
“Don’t overthink it,” says Dr. Brahmbhatt. “If sex or masturbation helps you feel relaxed, confident, or focused, it’s probably fine before a workout. If orgasms make you sleepy and tired, then avoid that workout. In the end, based on this study, it doesn’t matter.”
The real drivers come down to the usual: consistent training, adequate sleep, and proper nutrition. So jerk off to your heart’s content—or don’t—but either way, let the fear of lost gains leave your body with every dribble, drop, or squirt.
Jeremy Glass is a Brooklyn-based freelance writer dabbling in copywriting, branded content, creative strategy, advertising, and so much more. Follow him on Twitter @candyandpizza or die trying.