Gaslighting can mar holiday gatherings. Here’s how to identify, avoid it

Gaslighting in your family can be disguised with loving and caring messages that seem to demonstrate warmth and interest. Your aunt may ask: “Did you find that special someone yet? You know, you could talk to a professional about how to date,” leaving you feeling insecure and second-guessing yourself.

Gaslighting can also be overtly aggressive and intimidating. For instance, your dad may say: “Stop pretending you don’t know what a disaster your life choices have been. How many times do you need to be reminded of all the mistakes you’ve made?”

What triggers gaslighting

Before letting this psychological manipulation turn a festive dinner into a battlefield of emotions, stop to consider the possible triggers that might bring out the gaslighting within your family.

In families, there are often years – if not decades – of context constantly informing interpersonal dynamics, and specific situations expose gaslighting behaviours more than others.

Disagreements tend to bring out a gaslighter’s certainty and need for superiority. They will insist that their reality is the way the world works, the way people should behave and the way you should think and feel.Disappointments may also lead gaslighters to guilt or shame to control your behaviour or choices. They will deflect responsibility – “If you hadn’t done X, I wouldn’t have reacted that way” – and create an emotional imbalance because it is easier to blame you than​ to take responsibility for their own actions.In families with established hierarchies, some members may resort to gaslighting to regain a sense of control when they feel anxious or threatened.Cultural factors such as loyalty to family can surface these behaviours, too. A gaslighter may resort to manipulation to enforce familial expectations.

While you cannot control how others show up for the holidays, you can control your response to them. Take stock of the context and factors before rushing to reply in contentious conversations with a gaslighter. Be present, listen​ and extend grace, but also give yourself permission to pivot conversations as needed. In doing so, you can better centre curiosity and compassion – for yourself and other witnesses – in how you choose to respond or not respond.

How to counteract gaslighting

Here are some suggestions that have helped our patients.

Be proactive

Think about the cast of characters before you attend a gathering. Identify possible triggering interactions or topics of conversation, and limit your contact with those who may foster negative interactions.Think ahead about who you want to spend time with. You don’t have to interact with those who activate you. A simple, “great to see you” might be enough.Identify your go-to strategies. Meditate on your best self as you picture how you’ll manage difficult moments. Remember, you can always opt out of the gaslighting or a combative conversation.Accept that you may need to get comfortable with being uncomfortable. Some interactions may leave you feeling unmoored and destabilised for the moment – or more.

Modify in the moment

In the moment, call up your best self and a touch more grace and understanding.If things get hot or overly emotional, shift the conversation to more neutral territory.If someone activates a guilt complex in you, remind yourself that their behaviour is their problem, not yours.Remember it’s okay to end the conversation altogether, pivot to a separate conversation or walk away if it is heading into a gaslighting vortex.If you feel you can’t opt out, lean in and attempt to lead the conversation. Be curious about your could-be gaslighter.

Reflect and learn

Afterward, take some time to reflect on how the day went. The former patient who had asked how to enjoy the holidays with their family in the face of gaslighting found that planning contributed to a better experience than they expected.If certain strategies or tactics proved particularly helpful for you, then these insights can serve as valuable lessons to apply in future family interactions.

Gaslighting can overshadow the warmth and joy of family get-togethers, but with awareness and effort, we can nurture healthy interactions and opt out of unhealthy ones. We can approach this holiday season with gratitude for the opportunity to invest in and nourish relationships.

Robin Stern, PhD, is the co-founder and senior adviser to the director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, a psychoanalyst in private practice, the author of The Gaslight Effect and the host of The Gaslight Effect podcast.

Marc Brackett, PhD, is the founding director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, a professor in the Child Study Center at Yale, lead developer of RULER, an evidence-based approach to social and emotional learning, and the author of Permission to Feel.