My husband James and I had been married for four years when he took up an all-or-nothing new hobby that would change both our lives.
A former Marine, he’d always been a gym goer but then he discovered CrossFit – an intensive fitness ‘cult’ that fuses weightlifting, cardio and bodyweight exercises into punishing, fast-paced sessions they affectionately call ‘WODs’ or ‘workouts of the day’.
The training regime is not dissimilar to Hyrox, the indoor fitness race that made headlines recently when a contestant continued to compete despite visible incontinence. Such is the ‘commitment’ of hardcore fitness obsessives.
This single-minded ‘go-hard-or-go-home’ mentality is, I think, what initially appealed to James.
At first, he started going after work, meaning he got home at 10pm. Then came the morning sessions, too – even though that meant getting up at 5am and destroying my sleep.
Soon he was going to the gym twice a day, seven days a week. It’s fair to say we hardly saw each other – but I was never left in doubt that CrossFit came first.
Soon I wasn’t just a so-called ‘gym widow’ but a CrossFit divorcee after James left me for his super-fit gym buddy, tells Alice Dartnell
James never invited me to work out with him. But then I wasn’t one of those hyper-committed ‘fitness freaks’ who thrive in a competitive atmosphere. However, people like James don’t just go to the gym – they make it their whole identity, their friendship group and, not infrequently, the centre of their social lives, too.
So since I wasn’t a fellow CrossFit convert, James met someone who was. Soon I wasn’t just a so-called ‘gym widow’ but a CrossFit divorcee after James left me for his super-fit gym buddy.
I was devastated when he came home early one afternoon and insisted we needed to talk. He waited until I was sitting on the sofa before telling me, ‘I want a divorce’.
Utterly blindsided, I burst into tears, fighting the urge to vomit with the shock.
While there are no official figures on how many relationships are derailed by a partner’s gym habit, one large study of nearly 20,000 couples found that differences in health behaviours – including exercise levels – significantly increase the risk of divorce.
With hindsight, there were certainly clues in my own case.
Over the preceding six months, James had frequently dropped this woman’s name into conversation; they’d go for drinks after competitions and he’d even stay at hers ‘for the convenience’ after contests. I didn’t object because he claimed others were staying there too. Though she was single, she was a decade older than us – what did I have to worry about?
I also believed we had built a firm foundation of trust. After all, work commitments – and then gym commitments – meant we were often apart. Though we first met at university, James was in the Royal Marines by the time we started a relationship two years after graduation. He could be deployed for months at a time and we’d have to rely on patchy Skype calls.
It was after one such two-month deployment that he proposed at Gatwick airport as I came to collect him. We married two years later on the Greek island of Santorini. Not that we got to enjoy the luxury of a honeymoon; three days after the ceremony, James was deployed for another three months.
When lockdown began in March 2020, Alice was glad James couldn’t go to the gym any more, but he started going on long bike rides instead – with the other woman
Yet even when we had limited time together, James would always fit a workout into the day. From his perspective, it was part and parcel of his job.
After five years in the Marines, he retired as a Captain. I was delighted, thinking this would give us more quality time together.
In 2017, we bought a house in London and he took a job as a consultant. He didn’t have any ‘civvy’ friends and I knew it was hard for him leaving the military, so I was encouraging when he started CrossFit that year. He said it was a great way to create a new social circle.
Of course, I was disappointed that it started taking up so much of his time – he’d finally get home from the gym just as I was often heading up to bed.
When he started going in the morning too, I accepted it, but the regime soon started to take its toll on me – and, as it turned out, us as a couple.
By then I was trying to launch a business as a coach, and the stress and interrupted sleep – I was suffering insomnia and wouldn’t drop off to sleep until the early hours, only to be woken by James at 5am – took its toll on my body.
In June 2019, I was experiencing all the signs of burnout – irritability, sleeplessness and a constant ‘wired but tired’ feeling. I tried to talk to James, asking him repeatedly not to get up so early. But CrossFit was too important to him – it was a flat no.
The community he’d found at the gym was providing him with the same sort of consistency and support he’d had in the Marines. While I don’t believe he was romantically involved with this woman at that point, I have no doubt he was friends with her.
When I asked him to drop CrossFit down to evenings only, still the answer was no. With hindsight, this refusal to compromise was a red flag.
When lockdown began in March 2020, I was secretly glad he couldn’t go to the gym any more, but he started going on long bike rides instead – with the other woman.
I’m a very trusting person but, naturally, I started to feel jealous about the time they were spending together. When I’d comment, ‘you two are getting close…’ James would reassure me saying, ‘We’re just friends, Alice!’
James soon dropped a bombshell on Alice – he wanted a divorce. And sure enough, it was his new gym lover he was leaving his wife for
But by then they were such an integral part of one another’s lives that he’d even text her while we were watching TV together. And yes she knew he was married because we met once when I went to cheer him on at – you guessed it – a CrossFit competition. As naïve as it sounds, I didn’t think she was someone who could turn my husband’s head.
A few months later, however, he dropped a bombshell – he wanted a divorce. And sure enough, it was her he was leaving me for. As strange as it sounds, I still saw him as my best friend and so I let him hold me as I sobbed my heart out.
But I could have kicked myself for being so gullible.
The next day, he admitted he might be being hasty and suggested he move out for six months to ‘find himself’ and go travelling. Prepared to do anything to save our marriage, I agreed. I now know he simply moved in with her.
CrossFit is obviously a far more powerful glue than love because today they’re married and are in the process of adopting a child together.
As for me, now 39, I’m single and travel widely, running my time management coaching business from beaches all over the world. I’m happy and have no doubt I’ll meet the real love of my life one day. I don’t know where or when but one thing’s for sure – I won’t ever get involved with a fitness addict again.
https://www.instagram.com/alice_dartnell/
As told to Samantha Brick